Simply Soggy

Pink!

2011-04-10T18:02:00.001-05:00

Pink is the color of spring and strawberries and happy. It is also now the color of my blog.

Things are moving along as planned (which is to say that they are moving along without any sort of rhyme or reason at all). Since I last posted the children and chickens have grown considerably. The chickie girls are all laying eggs at the rate of an egg a day each. This is more than we were expecting (about double!) but we're rolling with it. We're also giving eggs away, lol. The human children have also grown. If they start laying eggs I'll be sure to post about it. With the exception of math they are swimming through school work. Math will be online fun math games until further notice, starting tomorrow. We're all frustrated so it is time for a break. Well, it's not really a break since they're still practicing their skills, but maybe they won't notice ;). It IS a break for me.

The gardens have been mentally plotted. This week will see garden plots on paper and some plants in the ground. I've been perusing this website Coolest planning site ever and I've come away with an important piece of knowledge. Here it is: Don't follow the guidelines on the packages of seeds for spacing. I'm looking forward to much fuller gardens this year. Last year they were so sparse. The pictures and info on the website above show that the more vegetables and herbs you plant the fewer weeds can grow. Yay for fewer weeds!

Well, I think that's that for now. Look for pictures in the next post (yeah I know I always say that).

Hello Mellow.

2011-01-02T12:54:00.000-06:00

And hello to the non existent readers of my long un-updated blog. I was wondering to myself this morning whether any other student mamas nest before the next semester starts. I find myself driven to get the house in as much order as possible, inventory food in the freezer, determine whether I can survive riding the train in the shoes and coat that I have, etc. School starts on January 18 and if the cost of my textbooks are any indication this semester is going to be a challenge. I have no scientific proof that the cost of textbooks is indicative of the difficulty of the course, but it seems logical that harder/more concentrated courses would mean more involved and specific textbooks, which would mean they cost more. Follow? Anyway, we will see, but one of my books is around $200. Yes, for ONE book. Egads. Neall is also going part time and his books are all $40. How does he do that? That must be classified as a super power. "What super power do you have?" "I have the POWER to enroll in classes with CHEAP TEXTBOOKS!" "Ooooohhh, ahhhhhh, woooowwwww!"

I have 3 semesters left before I graduate with a bachelors in Criminology and Communication. I am still on the fence about pursuing a masters in Social Work, but the scales have tipped towards the "no-thank-you-at-least-not-yet" side of the issue. I'm fairly convinced that a masters won't get me a better job, nor will it net me more money. In the jobs that do recommend a masters degree, most offer a way to work for money while pursuing the degree. If I can get someone else to pay for it, I should probably do that. I'm leaving the option open for the future, but for now I think I need to get into the work force and let Neall focus on being full time again. His chosen profession DOES require a masters and he will need to focus full time for about 4 years to get there. Working full time in another field isn't really going to work for our family. I see a role reversal in our near future. That ought to be interesting ;o).

Other than that there isn't a whole lot going on here. Last semester was bad. I squeaked by one of my classes with a B-, ouch. I didn't feel confident about my grade in any of my courses. Here's to a better spring.

OH! I haven't really blogged about the chickens! My gosh are they stinking cute. We have 5 silkie chickens. They came to us at about a day old via the post office (I know, the idea that you can mail chickens is odd, lol). They're outside full time now (thank goodness) and are quite the entertainment. We all love them very much. I am counting the days until I can sit outside in the mornings with my coffee and watch them scratch and peck. It is amazingly calming and I hate that winter has taken the opportunity from me (for the most part). We've had some lovely days but they are usually peppered with thunderstorms or at least rain, and the chickies are spoiled and refuse to come out into it. Silly birds.

Anyway, that's all for now I think. More musings on friendship may follow. That's a topic for writing about when you do not have a preschooler trying to stick dimes in your eyes (don't ask).

There just are no words.

2010-09-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

I feel all discombobulated. I know this has several reasons. For 1, I'm insanely busy. Although, the kind of insanely busy I am doesn't usually FEEL that busy, it just looks that busy. I still feel like I have time for me, most days, and that it's all carefully choreographed. Since this is not usually how I live my life, I'm baffled at how swimmingly well this is working so far and I'm jittery waiting for it to unravel. On the other hand, perhaps I've just gotten good at managing what is most important and letting the other stuff go. This is certainly a skill everyone should learn, though I'm not sure it's a process that can be sped up. It happens how it happens, sort of like an epiphany.

Speaking of important, I feel like I'm not ever good enough. No, that's not it. I feel like other people don't think I'm good enough. I do feel a lot of pressure to be everything to everyone. I have done a fantastic job at learning how to manage that. I've been the kind of person my whole life that wants to make everything better. That kind of person often draws situations that need fixing. So anyway, I'm pretty good at fixing what I can without breaking myself. I just kind of feel like nobody acknowledges that I'm doing well. Then I feel guilty and whiny that I need outward recognition for being a good person. Shouldn't being a good person be enough for me? Meh, anyway, I'll make you all a deal. Sometimes a girl (or guy) needs to hear "good job, thanks for doing that" from someone. I'll try to make sure those little nuggets of support are given freely by me if you'll try to do the same for those around you. Yeah? We'll call it the "make-everyone-feel-good-inator" and maybe we'll make it on to Phinneas and Ferb.

And by the way, telephone crisis hotlines save lives every day. EVERY DAY, sometimes several in one night for one crisis worker. They may not be what every caller needs, but they can change the lives for the better for callers and crisis workers alike. Have you hugged a crisis worker today?

Road trip, anyone?

2010-08-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

The mechanic has driven the van as often as he could in the last couple days and still no sign of any leaks in either the transmission or engine. What. The. FRENCH, Toast??? How can you lose 3qts of transmission fluid without any visible leak? Anyway, so we're going to attempt to leave town in a van that could leave us stranded anywhere at any time. The AAA membership makes me feel slightly better but I wish there was something to fix rather than playing Russian roulette in high heat with an aging vehicle. Oh well, nothing to do but plan for the worst and hope for the best. I've got bigger stuff to worry about. Like, when student loans will arrive. They are occasionally a day or 2 earlier than expected. I can't think of a better semester to be early than this one. I mean really, let's just do this, mm-kay? The sooner they get here the quicker I can start crossing some things off of my to-do list. The list grows and grows each day I am stuck at home with nothing to drive and no money to spend when I get there. Throw me a bone hear MOHELA! Textbooks will be ready for pickup on Friday so I can get some idea as to what we're up against this semester. I'm not expecting anything too horrid, but I also keep forgetting which classes I'm taking so my expectations may be WAY off, lol.

It's so dang hot here that we're just hovering around barely comfortable in the AC of the house. Any movement at all means cranky, sweaty people. I can't wait for the cool breeze off of the lake.

We need a mechanical miracle.

2010-08-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

So van goes into the shop. It's gotten about 4qts of oil added over the last 3 weeks. I observed, with my own eyes, oil running out the bottom of the engine. Not dripping. RUNNING. In addition to the oil problem (which has been going on for awhile), we were also having difficulty with it shifting. So the mechanic gets it this morning and says he felt some "minor slipping" of the transmission but that there is not any indication of an oil or transmission leak. Umm, HELLO, it is losing oil at the rate of a quart/wk and it was 3qts low on transmission fluid. Is that not sufficient "evidence of a leak". ARGH. So instead of stressing over it longer I did the only thing I could think to do. I bought a AAA membership. I didn't just buy any membership. I bought the super-duper, uber-crazy, fancy-schmancy membership. It will cover towing, rental van, and up to $750 of "trip interruption" coverage, among other things. Sounds like a good investment to me. It cost less than one in-town tow charge so I know we will eventually get our moneys worth.

Meanwhile I'm working at home on as much as I can. Packing and cleaning and stalking the student loan disbursement updates are soaking up my days. Hanging on the 'puter too. Oh, and making lists. Lots of lists. I may even need a list of lists to keep track of.

Last minute chaos, in true West family fashion.

2010-08-10T00:10:00.000-05:00

So in about a week we leave for our family trip. Tonight the van goes into the shop for a full makeover. Ok, well, maybe not a full makeover. As long as it shifts properly, doesn't pour oil from the engine when it's hot, doesn't stutter when we hit rain puddles and doesn't develop any NEW problems in the next 2 weeks I'm good. Cross your fingers. Unfortunately, having the van in the shop means no vehicle, which means I have to buck up and get as much as can be done at home, done. This will mean clearing out the space that will be worked on while we're gone. As soon as it is cleared out we'll replace it with camping stuff. I'll be glad to have space to organize and restock.

Over the next week I have a pizza party (that may be cancelled, I may just pass out goodies instead), the Walk for Depression, a birthday party, a family birthday party, and of course a trip out of town. Whoah, lol. I had better get busy...

I'm not sure why I didn't think of this before.

2010-08-08T17:12:00.001-05:00

I've been saying for months. Uh, ok maybe years, that I need to just buckle down and organize my house. Problem. I don't. Or I can't. I either don't know where to start, don't know how to start, or don't have the space or time to make it work. So I was watching some show about hoarders and it hit me. DUH GWEN. Professional organizer. I found a few on Craigslist that work for $20/hr. That sounds reasonable to me. This is a small house. Even if we just get some of the spaces done we're in win-ville right? I think I'll start with the living room, then move to the bedrooms. I can handle the kitchen on my own. The bathroom just needs a bit of TLC and a trip to the organizing store. The kids would be happier, better organization would ease things around here, and I can't imagine a better time to get organized than right before our lives become a bit chaotic. So it's settled (assuming Neall approves, lol). Whoop!

Cravings.

2010-08-07T13:20:00.000-05:00

Before rumors start, NO, I'm not pregnant, lol. We've started on our P90X workout plan by easing into a new way of eating. I know that for big changes to last they need to be made with care. We're changing our thinking and thus we're allowed some patience. Since the changes I have been craving artichoke hearts, green olives, and avocados. I don't know why. The only thing I can think is that these foods would provide some nutrient I am lacking with the new eating plan. Good fats maybe? These foods ARE on my plan though so I plan on stocking up and chowing down.

Guess what I found on my tomatillos today? FRUIT!!! I'm so excited. I love tomatillo salsa. I think it was too cool early in the season so they are running late. I hope the fruit is big enough to harvest before it starts cooling off too much at night. Tomatillos love heat. I also wonder if the spot they are in isn't their favorite. Next year I'll move them to the big bed in the middle that gets more sun. Squash and Zucchini have been disappointing so if anyone has extra summer squash they can't eat, please send it my way. I'd be happy to take it off your hands, and if there are still tomatoes on my plants I'll gladly share.

I also need advice on drying basil. My basil is out of control huge and I'd love to harvest and dry it for use in the winter. I've never dried it before so guidance would be lovely.

If you'e a praying person, please pray that whatever is wrong with the minivan is something that can be fixed reasonably and QUICKLY. In true family-vacation fashion, we've got trouble a week before a road trip. I looked into renting a van and it would cost us nearly $1000 to do that. Not a good use of our money. If the van can't be fixed we'll just have to buy a new one before we go. Talk about stress. In our research we think it might just be the CV joint in the front wheel. This would be an ideal situation because it's both inexpensive and fast to fix it. There is also some kind of oil leak but I think we can survive that until after the road trip as long as we have oil with us. Whether that will mean the end of the van or not I don't know. Right now I just have to get to the beach. That's all I want, lol. I'll worry about after, well, after.

In other exciting news, Oak has given up the binky. He fell asleep without it one night and hasn't asked for it since. I have no idea which god it is that overseas such things but I want to thank them personally because that was the nicest way to give up a binky there ever was. He's also wearing underpants about 40% of the time and doing a good job at it. My baby isn't a baby anymore! :P. It's very exciting to see him growing the way he is, he's so cute in his exploration and understanding. He's also throwing way more tantrums, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. He's just opinionated, lol.

Amazement.

2010-08-04T18:38:00.001-05:00

I am amazed daily by the lack of concern and attention that corporations pay towards their products. Today's head shaking moment is brought to you by Huggies (Kimberly-Clark). Oak is old enough now that he resists diapers. He's not yet ready to make the leap to big-boy and potty learn, but he also is offended by the baby image diapers send to the outside world. Ego develops early I guess. Anyway, so I have started buying Pull-Ups. I purchase them at Costco in a combo pack that includes 2 packs of "Learning Designs" pull-ups and 1 pack of "Night-Time" pull-ups. I don't have room to leave them in such precarious and awkward packaging so when I get home I stack them in a basket near our changing area. I realized today that there is no way to tell which pull-ups are which. There's nothing on a night-time pull-up that indicates it's special super-absorbant powers. They look the same, feel the same, have the same designs and I cannot see any distinguishing marks. This seems like a very "DUH" kind of thing to me. Most people, if they are buying the night-time version are probably going to also have the daytime version in their cart. How hard is it to put an "NT" or a little moon around the waistband printing? What design moron didn't think "oh hey, maybe they should be identifiably different than the daytime pull-ups"? Did they not ASK any mothers. Surely, if given a variety of pull-ups to field test some busy mama like myself would have said "this is a problem". And before anyone says "big deal, don't worry about it", you should know that the night-time pull ups cost more (quite a lot more), and that daytime pull-ups leak and are not absorbent enough for night use (at least with my child). You wake up in a puddle of urine (or to change toddler bedding at 3am if you don't co-sleep) and then tell me this is no big deal. It's big enough that I sent an email and will buy something else next time. It's not worth the wasted money and aggravation, particularly since this is such a stupid oversight on the part of a giant mega-corporation.

Oh dear.

2010-08-04T11:30:00.002-05:00

This is the time of year when my chaos-as-organization style of existence doesn't work so well. For every item I cross off of my mental to-do list I add 3 more. I need paper lists. I need organization. I need the van to not be gushing oil out the bottom and I need my student loan money. Doctor appointments, camping/vacation preparation, housekeeping, birthday parties and school prep have got me going in 12 directions but not leaving me any space to move. The things I feel most stressed about are the things I can't do anything about. The result is me sitting amidst the chaos looking like a deer in the headlights. I don't know what to do, where to start. I just know that the light at the end of the tunnel is a week at the beach with my family, a day on the roller coasters with my husband, and a feeling of rejuvenation.

Winnie turns 10.

2010-08-02T22:31:00.000-05:00

In October. So why am I blogging about it now? Well, because preparations have already begun. Winnie has designed and drawn ideas for her cake since she could draw. This year she is insistent that her cake design become reality. So I do some legwork and chat up a few bakeries. Winnie's cake design will feed 150 people. So I get the idea that I'll surf Craigslist for an independent cake decorator, maybe a student, who might be able to make this happen for less money and feeding a smaller army. Negotiations have begun with Michelle from West County. Her parameters are: Under $150, 3 tiers, girly, birthday, ghosts, gravestones, and skeletons. I told her that if she could come up with something around those themes she was a rock star. We'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, Winnie is plotting a party, making lists, deciding on guests, planning gift bags and activities. This girl is nuts. I think her version of "overdoing it" is different than mine. At some point I will have to reign her in, but for now I'm letting her dream.

Fall gardening. Dreamy.

2010-08-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

With forecasted temperatures the highest they've been all summer I'm doing the only thing I can to cope. I'm thinking of cooler weather. Fall gardening is another new adventure to embark on. I drew up a map of my garden. Summer gardening had a steep learning curve. Shady spots were actually sunny, and vice versa. Ants tried to destroy my squash and mostly succeeded. Rabbits tried to eat almost everything but rabbit fences took care of that. Tomatillos flowered and flowered and flowered but so far no fruit. Fall gardening will learn from what summer gardening taught me.

Spinach and spring mix will fill one bed. Broccoli and some donated cauliflower will fill another. Peas and carrots will go in the deep bed with the basil bush (it is enormous, seriously). That leaves a whole 16sf space to plant something else. Suggestions? I could put peas in the big bed (it has better human access) and put something else behind the carrots. I'm actually thinking sweet corn. I would have thought it was too late but according to planting guides it can be planted in August. That would fill the big bed in the middle of the yard. Hmmm.

Over the hill.

2010-07-31T19:00:00.000-05:00

The summer hill, that is. We've reached that point where he list of what we want to do is longer than the days we have to do it all. Our summer was cut shorter by unexpected adventures (mainly Finn's surgery and an aging minivan) so we're going to have to settle for the adventures we've already had. The next 3 weeks are full of things but most of them are utilitarian and obligational kinds of things. (Yes, I know obligational isn't a word, I'm using it anyway because it sounds good). My to-do list grows every day even though I am crossing things off the list. We are hoping to have work done on the house while we are on vacation so there is tons of prep work required for that. I also have to figure out exactly what we need done and how much effort and money it will cost to do it. Packing for our vacation is a priority but we also have to either rent or buy a trailer to haul everything. The van is not happy, sluggish and getting terrible gas mileage, so it will need to go into the shop which could mean a last-minute vehicle purchase or rental. That could be interesting.

The garden is winding down. Carrots look great. My squash had some kind of issue and the zucchini plant died after just one decent zucchini. The yellow squash is still surviving but I don't think it'll last long. The tomatoes are still producing but the new flowers have diminished so I'm thinking the tomatoes will be as well. The tomatillos flowered and grew and grew and flowered but not one fruit. I don't really understand why, but they didn't get any further than the flowering stage. I am trying to figure out why or whether it's just too early, but right now it looks like tomatillos were a flop. Lettuce is done for the year, unless I plant some more, which I might. The basil is the size of a tree, strong and healthy. I'm rather fond of it.

Well, Sunday dinner on Saturday is ready and Neall will be home soon so this is me signing out. More later.

Entitlement

2010-07-20T19:18:00.002-05:00

I don't feel entitled to much. I know that hard work and a bit of luck are always the way to get stuff. I don't feel like I'm owed.

However, I do feel sometimes, (like right now), that I am allowed the occasional freak out. I feel entitled to some understanding from the general population, even if what I am freaking out about isn't necessarily on your list of freak-out-worthy situations. I hope that you all can pardon me for my embarrassment/confusion/frustration that prevents me from being able to tell everyone individually that I need some space. (The line "it's not you it's me" comes to mind here). Ultimately I don't really know what is going on. I can take a few stabs at large concepts that I know are contributing, but that won't really complete the picture and I'm not sure it will help. It's quite possible that I am just being too hard on myself, reading more into exchanges than actuality supports. I feel like the more I do, the more is expected of me. I am far from perfect, yet any blunder along my life-way gets nailed to the wall before I can explain myself or fix it. I feel like any misunderstanding automatically gets chalked into the "Gwen is a moron" column. I can't help it. I feel like I am juggling 10 different versions of me, the face I'm supposed to put on for each different scenario. I am not the only one changing. I thought that my easy-going, go with the flow attitude about life would carry me forever, but lately I feel like I am truly fragmenting. I'm having trouble finding some the commonalities that tie it all together. I've learned that snipping a thread here and undoing a knot there doesn't work at all. I think I need to replace strings with rubber bands.

I can tell you that I am not unhappy with my life. Quite the opposite, actually. I love my husband more than ever. I am enjoying raising my children much more than I thought possible 10 years ago. I had no idea being out of the baby stage would be so fun! School is busy but great. I love what I am studying for the intellectual challenge it represents. I am excited for my future. I am chomping at the bit to get out there and DO SOMETHING WONDERFUL. I see endless possibilities for growth. I see a thousand directions I could go in, each one wonderful in its way. I think this is one of them.

I'm not saying goodbye. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic, or dramatic at all for that matter. I am asking for some space, some understanding, some compassion, and most of all some rubber-bandiness (or at least some more slack) in the strings that tie us together.

On a final note: Finn is having surgery to correct his amblyopia on Friday. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated. It should be a relatively minor procedure, but I'm getting nervous just the same. This surgery could mean saving his vision. It could mean he could still be a fighter pilot when he grows up (I'm sort of hoping not :P). It means that riding his bike and skateboarding are safer activities for him than they have been. It means no more headaches and no more double vision.

Thanks all. If you happen to read my blog and know someone who might be interested in keeping up with my life please send them this way. I have suspended my Facebook account indefinitely but may still be around on Gmail if we are close enough to converse that way.

Peace.

Say huh?

2010-07-19T23:25:00.002-05:00

So you know how when your kids are being obnoxious to their siblings and their friends and then their obnoxiousness turns around and bites them back and with all the mama wisdom impact you can muster you say "maybe the way you've been treating people is causing them to treat YOU a certain way". Anyone know what I'm talking about? Well, sometimes mamas need to take their own advice.

Every day it seems like someone is pissing me off. I say something and it gets chewed up and spit back at me and I don't think I deserve the spit-soaked response. I try so hard to be the energy I want revisited to me. I really do. I think most of the time I succeed. What we have here recently, I think, is a whole lot of technology based misunderstanding and speedy reading/response, and maybe some crankiness and harshness spilling over from other parts of our lives. I am guilty as charged. What I don't really understand is why it all seems to be directed at me (and the above advice starts to needle it's way into my thoughts).

I'm a good person. I love people. I champion the safety and health of children. I'm spending thousands of dollars to become a social worker, a career that is often thankless and doesn't pay well. I have stress. Sometimes I'm short with people. I try not to be. Sometimes I misread. I always try to clarify. I always apologize when it's warranted. I often stick my foot in my mouth. I try to explain my stance.

I don't know if I'm just at another one of those points in my life where so much is shifting that I don't jive with the same people. More thinking is required but I don't think it is me. I think I'm at a crossroads. I think someone is trying to tell me something. I'm trying to listen, I promise.

The moral of the story here is, mamas give great advice. Sometimes it's not precise to the current situation, but it's still good advice for thinking stuff through.

Some photos, as promised.

2010-07-15T21:20:00.009-05:00

Winnie and Finn July 4 2010

What do you mean I can't have more Cracker Jacks?

Oak July 4 2010

Mama, Oak and Zella July 4 2010

Finn July 4 2010

Daddy and Oak July 4 2010

WHOO is it hot.

2010-07-15T11:47:00.002-05:00

I had to float on my back and tread airwater to water my squash this morning. Summer in the Lou. We've got a vacation coming in about a month. I can't wait to hit the beach of the great lakes.

Neall is off to finish his tattoo today which means another day of hanging around the house. Neall found this iPhone app that is a lot like the website Chore Wars. I'm looking forward to trying it out with the kids. The app isn't out yet, but the website is pretty cool. What a great idea. I'm not as impressed with it's ease-of-use so if anyone has any better links for me to try that make a game out of chores please share. Once the app comes out and I've given it a try I'll blog about it here. I think this will be especially helpful after school starts up again.

Finn's surgery is a week from tomorrow. Surprisingly I'm not nervous and he doesn't seem to be either. We've been assured that it is "no big deal" in the grand scheme of surgeries so we're going with that. My main challenge will be to remember that Finn has had surgery when doctors ask me 5 years from now. My brain is pretty full of important info at this point in my life. I can't guarantee I'll remember only mildly important info. Here's to hoping that the conclusion of this surgery is in the "mildly important" category 5 years from now.

OH! I almost forgot. I was chosen as a field tester for a Sunshine Kids product, the Super Mat. It has been one of those weeks so I haven't done more than just dig it out of the box and look it over but keep your eyes peeled for a more proper review. On first impressions it is good quality and appears sturdy. I have to admit that the front organizer pockets have me excited to try it. I'm skeptical that the indentations in my vehicle seat will be eliminated but we'll see. I am excited about the Super Mat's ability to keep the vehicle seats clean too. With 4 kids and a super-busy life (and only 1 car) we have no choice but to eat in the car on occasion. There isn't any help for occasional spills and I'm hoping this mat can help. I'll keep you posted.

Look for me to add some new blog links on the right side, and some pictures. I know I keep promising pictures but my aging laptop makes posting them such a long process. I will get to it and you'll be begging me to stop :P.

One more matter of business, I'd like to encourage everyone to join The Walk for depression awareness. If you're not local, please consider googling your own city and walking in your local area. If you ARE local the link above will take you to a page for an agency that provides free or low cost counseling to our community as well as dozens of other services, including answering the phones for our region of 1-800-SUICIDE (and other crisis hotlines). If you can't walk please consider making a small donation. Whether you know it or not, someone in your life is dealing with depression. Every day we learn more and more about how best to manage and even cure depression. Besides all of that, the walk should be a ton of fun. I'll be there with all of my kids. If you come, stop by the Provident table and say hello :). Tower Grove Park is beautiful and after the walk you can take a dip in the wading pool in the center of the park.

And with that important note I'll sign off and go do my dishes (or watch another episode of Animal Cops, it's a toss-up).

Twi-haters. Twaters.

2010-06-29T21:07:00.002-05:00

I suppose I'm the very first person to notice that the word Twaters has the the word twat in it. There is a message there I just know it. Twaters annoy the crap out of me. Really I just don't get it. I mean, so you don't like Twilight. Well I don't like cooked spinach but you don't see me posting all over the web about it (other than just now, to prove a point). Speaking of points, my point is that you can not like but not love, mildly dislike, hate, or even despise something without going on and on and ON about how bad it sucks. 'Cause really it's a bit over-compensating if you ask me. If someone can point out to me why adults watching adults act like younger people in a movie is such a big deal I'll gladly have this discussion. In the meantime, stfu and let me have my little 2 hour escape from reality before having to get back to the daily working-poor grind, um-kay?

Speaking of daily grind. We visited the City Garden today in our attempt to explore all of the cool free stuff in our city. Well, I have a mixed review. It's not as glowing as most of the "wow this is awesome" blog reviews on the web. My chief complaint is parking. I walked away with a $25 parking ticket because there were delivery trucks blocking the signs that alert drivers (or parkers, rather) that the meters are a no parking zone from 3-6pm. Most frustrating about this incident was the behavior of the parking officer. His tip of his hat and "have fun" was really nice. Except that he did it at 2:55 after watching me wrestle all 4 bathing suit-clad children (and the stuff that goes with them) out of the van onto a busy sidewalk. It was clear we intended to stay, which follows that we weren't aware of the stupid parking-that-isn't-parking zone, and since the delivery trucks were blocking the sign, you'd think he could have said "hey you know this turns into a traffic lane in 2 minutes. But no. Just a "have fun" and a ticket the moment I turned the corner. Nice. Very friendly and hip. Beyond the sour parking experience the park is nice. I appreciated the "nothing off limits" atmosphere but did notice "staff" people telling a group of kids they couldn't stand under the waterfall in one of the wading pools. I'm not sure what that is about. Curious. The kids loved the pool near the pop fountains that had what looked from afar like a woman in a boat sculpture. I didn't get close enough to it to tell for sure because our stuff was laying in the shade and I didn't want to walk too far from it. Plus, to get to the neat little pool would have meant going allllll the way around or through the fountains. This leads me to my next issue. This place is huge. I had a 3yo who wanted to drive his car through the water from the fountain on the corner, 8 and 9yo's who wanted to swim under water in the deeper wading pool, and a 5yo who wanted to play in the pop fountains. These things are nowhere near close enough together to allow everyone some freedom. If you've visiting with a wide age or ability range or with children who have a certain idea of what the afternoon holds in mind, take an extra adult, lol. It was a difficult afternoon for me, exhausting really. On a positive note, we do intend to go back. I scoped out the parking around the park to make sure I know what to avoid next time. Next time I'll take the camera with me. Next time I'll have the stroller too. We'll explore a few more of the artistic installations and THEN jump into the pools. For today I give it a B, but it won't take much to turn into an A. Although, it just occurred to me that if there is ANYTHING going on downtown that place will be unreachable, so maybe it'll maintain that B status.

Well isn't that sunny?!?

2010-06-13T17:07:00.002-05:00

See my new blog design. I cheated. It's a template from the new template maker. I like. There was another neat one with raindrops and stuff that I thought would go well with the soggy theme. However, after starting at it for about 2 minutes it made me have to pee. I seriously doubt I'm the only woman with that problem. If I am just keep it to yourselves yeah? :P. Anyway, so this one is nice and sunny and I like it.

Speaking of sun, why does it have to be so incredibly blasted HOT for pagan picnic every year? We swam in sweat and annoyed the joyous masses with an excess of whining and then headed home much earlier than I'd originally planned. It was so hot that I couldn't even be under the tents long enough to shop. I had money and couldn't spend it. I hate that. So instead of rituals and workshops at pagan picnic I committed myself to attending church on Sunday (today). That is, I worked in my raised beds and pulled weeds. My disappointment at being run off by the sun from pagan picnic was exacerbated by a rough night on the crisis hotline. Gardening. The only answer.

While I was pulling weeds I pulled out the dying peas. I think a combination of diggy squirrels, soil settling and too much sun killed them off earlier than they should have gone. Next year things will be placed differently but for now I think I'll plant more lettuce to replace the peas. I also discovered that there was a seedling mixup. What I thought was broccoli but didn't grow the way broccoli should have is actually tomatillos. What I thought was tomatillos that got chewed to the dirt was actually the broccoli. Ok then, tomatillos are good. My tomatoes are awesome looking. I also have zucchini and squash growing. Yum!

All of this produce is going to help us reach our P90X goal. I know this workout is intense. I can barely meet the "before you get started" requirements but Neall says it's all mental. I tried an experiment and he is right. A pull up I didn't think I could do became manageable. That's all I needed, and with the love of my life and my best friend next to me I know I'll succeed. Fresh veggies picked from our garden add motivation, an opportunity to see our dedication at work, and might cut some of the sting from our higher grocery budget. Yay for us!

Family-influx 2010 is scheduled for the beginning of July. This is love/hate. Those of you with families understand this. I am both looking forward to catching up and dreading the change to our routines. We aren't particularly schedule-rigorous but when you're trying to coordinate quadruple the people it gets to be a bit chaotic. Nothing to do but prepare myself for the upheaval and put on a big smile. (Oh, and start vitamin C for everyone so we don't catch the new introduction of ickies).

Chickens are still in our immediate future. Neall is building a coop as soon as his days off aren't over-scheduled by me. Ok, so maybe near future isn't accurate, lol. "As soon as we can"is perhaps a better statement. First we have dentist visits for all, a doctor's appointment to address Finn's eye issues, a tattoo, art camp for the 3 oldest, sewing camp for Winnie, swimming every Friday we can manage it and a reading list to rival the card catalog at the library. I also have a pact with myself to explore the unexplored-by-us parks and attractions in the STL area. My intention is to selfishly blog our adventures so I can recall it all next year when "I'm boooorrreeeddd" becomes a mantra. So, ummm, chickens by fall? I hope.

Whew!

2010-05-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

The spring semester is nearly over. In the past few months I have been working very hard on many aspects of my existence. The kids are working hard on their own schooling but we are all ready for a break. The kids' break will consist of not having to do their schoolwork with limited supervision. I can actually sit and work with them and I'm really looking forward to that (and so are they). Summer never really brings a break but at least I don't have to read bland textbooks (that's a joke, I don't think I cracked a book in 3/4 of my classes this semester). I'm planning on spending a lot of time at Tower Grove park and have vowed to try out some uncharted-by-us parks as well. There are some great places in this city we've never explored.

I'm also working hard on actually growing something. The peas are doing a fantastic job, thriving in their lovely raised bed. One even had a flower this morning. Whoop! In sharp contrast I had a total bust on pepper plants. I have one pathetic plant and nothing else sprouted. I'm planning to try again with a new set of peat pellets. I've decided to just buy tomato plants. I put the ones I had out a bit early and they got nibbled to the ground. I'm hoping a few more weeks of heat and sunshine (and larger plants) will keep that issue to a minimum.

Several days of camping are in the immediate future. Can. Not. Wait. Is it time yet?

Now?

Now?

Ok, a bit longer to wait, but once I get this test out of the way next week I am digging out all the stuff. ALL of it. And you can't stop me.

Affirmations, assertions, definitelies, and other positive words of intent.

2010-03-22T11:46:00.003-05:00

So I have GOT to lose weight. I will not let this be yet another "maybe next time", "maybe tomorrow" or any other past scenario. Today. I'm switching to tea in the afternoons/evenings. This is important because I use half and half or heavy cream in my coffee. I don't know how many daily calories that will save me but it's got to be significant. I'm also, in an effort to lose weight, hoping to spend less money. Eating out sucks. Eating in has so many positive benefits. The house gets/stays clean (well, at least the kitchen), the conversation at the table is nice, and the food is higher quality and lacks the nastiness that fast food has. Even processed food lacks some of the nastiness that fast food has. I can see my life in a year. Different than it is now. Me: thinner. House: cleaner and more organized. Children: safe and secure in routine chaos. Husband: happy and healthy (and busy!). Dog: worn out and content.

I must, I must, I must decrease my bust (and my butt, and my arms, and my thighs, and my hips)!

Lazy Sunday.

2010-03-21T14:54:00.002-05:00

It really should not be a lazy Sunday, but I'm wiped out. Neall's company party was last night. I won an iPod Shuffle. Whoop! I really like it, even thought it's entirely unnecessary because I own an iPhone, lol. I'm going to get an adapter that will allow me to play it in the car. Using the iPhone in the car is a pain for a number of reasons. Music sucks battery, so you have to have it plugged in to multiple wires, making it cumbersome and annoying, lol. Also, if the phone rings you have to disconnect said wires to answer it. Also annoying. With the shuffle I can play music in the car without having to navigate the horror of having a multi-function device :P. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Sometime in the last week the dog got brain damage. He's all of the sudden obsessed with the ottoman in the living room. He will sit for hours staring at it, or trying to dig under it. :sigh:. I don't know what to do about it. I looked up info on the internet. I know it's an obsessive/compulsive disorder(COCD)but the treatments are things I may not be able to accomplish. Primarily, doggy prozac. I can't imagine that is cheap. The bigger problem is that these things usually happen when a dog is not having his needs met. Unfortunately, I don't know how to meet those needs. Prozac is a bandaid on the bigger picture. My goal is to try the "lots of exercise" approach. I am hoping maybe he is just bored and needs more opportunity to expend energy. This will be as good for me as it is for him. I'm glad he waited until spring to decide a compulsion was a good idea, lol. I plan on doing long walks with him. I need roller blades since I don't think my speed will be able to wear him out sufficiently. His stride is longer than mine. He's a big dog. If I had space for a treadmill I'd consider that option. His health is important to me. If that doesn't work I don't know what we'll do. I'm also trying to budget Doggy Daycare into the expenses. He is totally exhausted and worn out when we bring him home from that, so maybe that will be good. Also getting a fence up is even more of a priority. If he could go out and sniff and just be a dog I think that would help him a ton. As it stands all of his exercise is on-leash. I think he needs to run!

In other news, school is going well. I like my criminology class a lot and have an awesome grade in that class. My Psych of Victims class is also awesome. Most of my classmates don't seem to share my sentiment but I like the teacher and I see the benefit of covering the material. It is a bit psycho-babble-ish but it IS a psych class. Most of my classmates "just want to help people", which I understand. I think they just misunderstood the point of this course. I also am finding this course to be challenging, which is a happy thing. So many of my courses are yawn-snooze. Not necessarily uninteresting, but not challenging at all. This course is keeping me on my toes.

My communications courses are ho-hum. One class, communication in the organization is horrid. I hate it. By "organization" they really mean "corporation", and the book is totally PRO corporation. There was a whole section about how wonderfuly WalMart is. Um, no. They lost me then and there. I'm muddling through at this point, but sadly I'm not learning anything useful. Intercultural Comm is just boring and sort of DUH. Not a lot of real knowledge, but not too much trouble to navigate either.

I've decided on a fall schedule, assuming I get into them all. 3 online classes, 1 M,W class. I think it'll work. Especially if Neall goes back to school. We shall see.

Speaking of Neall going back to school, I think he is. He's really pretty much decided on Library Science. I think this is brilliant. Right up Neall's alley. Not too much in the way of student loan investment. Not something we have to move for. Not even something he has to quit working for. Not something he has to spend the next 6 years in school for. All around good. Plus, there are LS jobs with the govt, which would give him a leg up with his military service, and apply to his retirement. I think he'd make a great archivist. Instead of the country we'd be looking at living in areas with colleges, or large libraries probably, but you never know, could be a small town library in need of a librarian. I feel very good about this option. Now if only UMSL had a russian language program. SLU has one but it is very expensive to go there. Columbia has one but that would mean a move. Webster has one but again, $$$.

Misunderestimating.

2010-03-02T13:46:00.003-06:00

We already know that the stereotypical SAHM (stay at home mom) lives a life of leisure, casually going on about her day, singing about doing the dishes and eating bon-bon's in front of the television during her afternoon break. Now, to be fair, I think that most people know that this is a far-fetched stereotype not grounded in any sort of reality. However, I am left wondering today where some other misconceptions of SAHM's come from.

Misconception: As a SAHM, you have lots of free time. Uh, no. While I do not have to pack up the kids, send them off to the bus stop, do my hair and makeup and go to work for 8 hours, come home and fix dinner, make sure homework gets done and send the kids off to bed, I DO have obligations. I have a routine. I have responsibilities that suck time and effort, energy and exuberance, just like if I was working outside of the home. My schedule, particularly as a SAHM who homeschools, is as full as the next mother's. In some ways it is more hectic. All of the things that children get at school have to be orchestrated by me. Enrichment activities and life lessons and artistic endeavours? All me. This is a particularly challenging challenge when you've got a myriad of age groups, as I have. So if I am frustrated by the lack of soccer teams that don't practice on Wednesday night, for example, it's because *I* am frustrated, not because those of you who need them to be late in the day don't deserve them as much as I do.

Misconception: As a SAHM, I can drop everything and run an errand for you. Big, fat, hairy NO. I'm sorry, but as willing as I am to help whomever needs it whenever I can, I am not a chauffeur, nurse, personal shopper, personal assistant, technical director or receptionist (just to name a few). I am a mom, a full time student and a household manager. I have kids who are busy with the things kids must do. *I* am busy with the things I must do. I can't just drop everything because I happen to not be on the clock at work. In effect, I AM on the clock at work. I have been since October of 2000 and I haven't gotten a lunch break yet.

Misconception: As a SAHM I am bright and bubbly and full of joy over every aspect of my life. Nope. I could wonder the same thing about you. How lovely it must be to get to have conversations with other adults without worrying about your 2yo puking on your shoes at that exact moment. Feeling less than the Beaver-Cleaver level of contentment 24/7 doesn't diminish the importance and overall joy I feel about my life. It means I'm busy, frazzled, sleep deprived and often overwhelmed. Just like you, only about different stuff. I'm allowed to vent about MY job just like you are allowed to vent about YOUR rough day at work. It's not a contest. It's not a dig against you. It's life.

And so, I leave you with some thoughts to ponder. While I've "wasted" this precious time writing this blog post the kids have spilled juice on the floor, the dog needs to go out and the sink that was empty and clean this morning is now full again. Back to work.

Church.

2010-02-28T14:43:00.010-06:00

Last year or the year before I was joking with a friend of mine about going to "church" every Sunday by going to the park and just being. I came down the stairs late this morning and immediately the dog needed to go out. Can you say no to this face?

So I got my shoes and threw a skirt over my bloomers and took him out. The moment warm sun hit my face and the only slightly cool breeze ruffled my skirt I knew today was a church day. I could feel the energy of whatever you want to call the power that exists. Whether it's a quiet hum of energy through the earth or the almighty, all-knowing presence of the Christian God doesn't really matter to me. I felt it and wasn't going to miss this opportunity. I immediately sent the kids into a whirlwind of "go outside" activity. They threw on shoes and jackets and hats and gladly hit the outdoors running.

Finn immediately started doing bunny hops on his scooter.

Zella ran up and down the driveway with her arms out yelling "Mama! When I run really fast it feels like I'm FLYING!"

Oak trailed the other kids, doing whatever they were doing, happily so.

And Winnie was her lovely, beautiful self, shining in the sunshine.

I realized right then, after snapping a couple hundred pictures of the glorious sunshine, that they feel it too. Whatever this presence is, I don't need church to feel it. It's there in sunny days and in dripping rain. It's there at my kitchen table, on my front porch, on the next block over, and all the way in Chile. It's in me, and my children, and even in the glaze of Neall's flu-dazed eyes.

And so with that on my mind I gladly fold the laundry and put away the dishes and know that it's all for a reason.

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've blogged.

2010-02-14T12:08:00.003-06:00

That's probably due to a couple of things. 1.) I am so fricking busy my head spins. I don't necessarily MIND being busy, but I do find myself valuing my down time more and more as it becomes less and less. 2.) My computer was DOA for several days. Over-exuberant dog can be blamed for that. Fortunately the only real casualty was the power cord. The battery had been kaput for a long time so we ran the laptop plugged in. Well, that's fine and dandy as long as the power cord is functional. We ordered one AND a new battery and now I'm good to go. Back online is good. Only so much I can do with my phone.

School is going well so far. Classes are not difficult and are actually, for the most part, interesting. I strongly dislike my Organizational Communication course and question it's validity in the Comm program. A more appropriate course title would probably be "Corporations Suck". It's really all about the different ways organizations approach communication and the myriad of theories on why they are good/bad. Well, I have news for you people. They're mostly bad. This would be a great class for anyone pursuing a business degree since this all applies to large businesses. Small businesses tend to operate on a more interpersonal communication scale and thus, this course is sort of pointless for them as well. For all these reasons, I would rather not be required to take this class. I'll survive it though, and move on.

Psych of Victims is my favorite course. Lots of fantastic information here. I like the teacher and I love the small class size. I also like meeting at Clayton High School since parking is beautiful, lol. I've settled into a stop for dinner, stop for starbucks, absorb info, easy drive home routine that I actually look forward to.

Criminology is a fascinating subject that I am looking forward to learning much more about. However, I don't think there is much in the way of career choices for Crim degrees. Fortunately for me I'm combining it with communication and thus not really going into the Crim field, per se. It will open up some opportunities and make me more marketable.

Intercultural Comm is sort of just there. I don't love or hate it. It just is. It seems sort of "duh" as far as subject matter goes but I think that's mostly because I've lived longer than most of the people in the course. It's a sort of life-experience course. I think this course should be required before studying abroad.

OH! I almost forgot! I got a new camera! I got a Pentax K-x in white. It's name is Stormy because it looks like a stormtrooper. Yes I think I am very clever for coming up with that. No, not all people name their cameras. Yes, I am weird. I want to post separately about it so that the google-bots are sure to alert the owner of Creve Coeur Camera of my extreme satisfaction with his company. Also be on the lookout for a gazoodle of pictures.

I take requests.

2010-02-02T19:31:00.000-06:00

By popular demand I am posting the recipe for my famous and super hard green chile. I mean it, this is way difficult to make. It has like 1700 steps and a bazillion hard-to-find ingredients and only someone like Martha Stewart or The Iron Chef or that Hell's Kitchen guy should attempt this.

HA! Gotcha. It's really simple. So simple you'll smack yourself in the forehead and think "why didn't I think of that".

Ingredients:
1. Pork (Other meat or the omission of meat would work as well. Pork is traditional. I use boneless pork steaks or chops, roast, whatever is cheapest.)

2. green chiles (Canned diced is fine.)

3. crushed/diced tomatoes (I use canned.)

4. onion

5. garlic

6. cumin, coriander, chile powder, garlic powder, onion powder, cardamom, salt

7. sour cream, shredded mexican cheese, lime for garnish

Recipe:
1. Cube 3lb pork into bite-sized pieces and brown lightly in a large pot. Add a touch of oil if necessary to prevent burning to the pan.

2. Add 1 large diced onion and several cloves of crushed garlic. Sautee for a few more minutes.

3. Add 3 cans of green chiles and 4 cans of crushed tomatoes.

4. Add 1-2 cans of water if needed. You want this to be thin so it can simmer down while cooking. Water can be added later as well, if needed.

5. Season to taste with above spices. Go easy on the chili powder because the green chile's are spicy. Be liberal with the cumin. Cumin rocks. Sample and adjust as chile simmers.

6. Simmer up to several hours. If you'd like to thicken the broth before serving add a can of cream of onion soup (good luck finding that) or corn starch.

7. Garnish with sour cream and shredded cheese and eat with a spoon, or serve over burritos topped with plenty of lettuce, cheese and sour cream.

Stream of semi-consciousness.

2010-01-29T09:17:00.002-06:00

I want to go to Ecuador. I miss my friend. And I really want to travel. I wish I could go today. I'm hoping May. Hey that rhymed!

Dunkin Donuts coffee is awesome. I luuurrrrvvveee it. It's finished brewing, brb...

Ok, where were we. (If you're wondering, I actually did get up, get a cup, pour the coffee, add the creamer, and sit back down at the computer. That was no computer trick. I'm very serious about my coffee.) Oh yeah, we were talking about tents. I'm buying a new one. I'd show you except that it's so incredibly cool I am afraid that with the thousands of readers I have they'd all get boughten-up and I'd be left in the rain. Can't have that can we? Noooo. Glad you agree. Suffice it to say that it is BIG, it is CHEAP (compared to others with similar features) and I will no longer have to be jealous of a good friend who already owns one exactly like it which I've been un-jesus-ly coveting for many years.

I have quite the list of wants and needs for when we get our tax returns. Many changes will happen in this house and around the house. Firstly, we're finally putting up a fence and cleaning off the back porch area. I can't wait to be able to kick the dog out the back door and leave him out there until he's done sniffing.

I'm having professional family photos done. Whoop! Can't wait for that. Haven't heard from my photog in a few weeks, but I'll hunt her down. Girl is BIZZAY! BIZZIZZLE! I need new clothes (boring). I'd like a new pentacle necklace. That shouldn't be hard except it will be hard because I'm so dang-doodly picky. Our air mattress bit the dust last season so we need to replace that. Not sure what we'll replace it with, just that we will have to replace it. Oh! And we're buying a trailer to haul all the crap required for camping fun. I'm sure Neall has some wants/needs as well.

For those of you following along we were able to modify our home loan. We are officially among the very small percentage of people for whom this actually WORKS. I keep waiting for the letter in the mail that starts of with But... It really seems too good to be true. Our interest rate is low, fixed, and permanent. Unusual. Our payments are half what they used to be. Very strange. Our contribution payment was under $1000, unheard of. And our first new payment isn't due until April 1st. So I suppose I'll be on edge waiting for the but... until April. Then maybe I'll believe what they say. It's been months of aggravation, frustration, and annoyance. If this hadn't gone through we'd have willingly given them the house and happily moved on to something more appropriate.

School is good this semester. A class I didn't think I'd like is turning out to be very good. A class I thought I'd breeze through is turning out to be a bit of a challenge, but only because of group work. I hate group work. Another class is 85% morons but they are all doing their own thing and *I* don't have to interact with them much at all. Hooray for that!

And this concludes my stream of semi-consciousness. I just remembered I have an assignment due today and I'd rather do it now and go see a movie with Neall this afternoon.

And so it begins. Or ends. Or whatever I'm trying to say.

2010-01-26T22:30:00.000-06:00

They say history repeats itself. This seems to be true in one aspect of my life. It's relatively minor so I blog cryptically here to let it out so I can hope to move on. I'm sure I won't actually move on, and that history will repeat itself yet again at some later date, but what else can I do?

I suppose that putting yourself out there also means sometimes being in the line of fire. I strive to be a good person, a positive influence on those whose lives have touched mine, even in seemingly single-stranded ways. I tend not to think of anyone I've met, whether in real life or via technological methods, as strangers. I open myself freely and with gusto. This is me to a fault. I'm a healer, a helper. I like to fix things. I like to say "see where I was, now look at me!" and help you get there too. I like to be acknowledged when I've overcome something difficult, and I like to acknowledge difficulty in others. It's this driving force that moves me throughout my days. It's this that has pushed me in the direction of a difficult profession.

Perhaps it's the sleep deprivation, the chaos surrounding a full course-load this semester, the emotionally draining work on the suicide hotline, the demands of a potty-learning child, that are making me wonder where I'm to go from here. Is it ever too much? Is there a limit to putting yourself out there? Is there a time when it's ok to hold back out of concern for your own safety and health? At first glance I know most people would say "absolutely there is a line", but I'm not so sure. What if the one time I hold back is the time I could have REALLY made a difference? Instead of holding back I would rather enhance my protections and take the risk.

Yes. That's what I'd rather do. It's only very rarely that my protections aren't sufficient. It's usually when I've come from a place of good and been caught off guard by a response I wasn't expecting. Giving of myself, even when the outcome is unknown, is always right. It's the basis of my faith as a pagan. It's the basis of my morality. It's always right to do kindness, even if it's not received as kindness at the time.

And so where does that leave me? Right back at the beginning, lol. I may not be perfect in my expressions of kindness, but my heart is always in the right place. All that's left is to hope that others see that first, instead of the mistakes in putting my thoughts into words. And I vow to do the same.

The need to clarify.

2010-01-21T09:50:00.001-06:00

Just for the record, I recognize that my issues are MY ISSUES, lol. I know that certain issues bug me because they bug ME. I know that "action over stagnation" is MY motto. I know that my "love" of western medicine is due to MY past experiences. I think it goes without saying that MY BLOG IS MY OPINION, but can sense a blog-attack coming on. I use each and every snafu to rethink how I interact with people. This is often a LONG process. I often make mistakes dozens of times before I realize where exactly I went wrong. This doesn't excuse mistakes, but rather reaffirms that I am human, like most other bloggers. :shrug:

I would like to note, however, that if you have a "public" blog and don't wish for anyone but closest friends to weigh in on your posts, then perhaps you might consider going private. I look at a blogs public status as an invitation to share my own story, or make comments freely. I try to never post disrespectfully (despite disrespectful comments made to me) and only very very rarely respond to a stranger's blog. But again, if you want to hear only from the people you've already made part of your circle, perhaps a private blog is a better choice.

Only evil bitches post heartfelt responses to human suffering.

2010-01-21T08:54:00.003-06:00

That's the general consensus apparently. I had this experience at Amity's, prompting me to leave unannounced. Apparently it is still bugging me because, well, that was a year ago and I am still thinking about it. I just had this experience on the blog of a friend of a friend, which is dragging up the old Amity's issues.

I do not and will never understand the "pack mentality" of women. It's one thing if packs form for good. Entirely another if they form for the purposes of evil. **Edited out unfair judgmental statements that I didn't really mean**

You know what I hate even more? When I let myself get involved. It is SO HARD to not defend myself against the pack-attack.

To all the ladies in my life who've lost babies. I love you. Even if I don't know you very well, I love you. We are sisters in loss, and there is good that can come of that, if we just open ourselves to the possibility.

Haha!

2010-01-11T13:09:00.001-06:00

So somehow I ended up scheduling myself for about 40 hours of volunteer training in a 3 day stretch of time. That doesn't seem like a great way to approach this important training so I need to fix that. Meanwhile, a great friend is leaving, with her family, to go on a mission trip to Ecuador. Becka is a fantastic person to know and I will miss her with every ounce of my being. I'm contemplating the idea of going to visit in a year or so, if she's still there. An adventure sounds like it could be fun, maybe. I need to look more into that. Also this week I was able to view most of the syllabi for my classes. All but one actually. They all look GREAT, a huge relief! I was totally worried about going full time but the classes look like they'll all be manageable. None of the instructors have unrealistic expectations that don't fit with the course level. The syllabi are all well organized and clear (and free of typos which, believe it or not, is unusual) so I feel really good. Hopeful. Maybe I'll survive this semester after all. :P

Mentally adjusting to the new schedule.

2010-01-05T09:31:00.002-06:00

In 2 weeks, just as a great friend, the best kind of friend really, leaves with her family to go on adventures in Ecuador for 2 years (as missionaries, if you would even consider financial or prayer support let me know and I'll send you the info), I jump into an adventure of my own. I will be attending school full time this semester in addition to my other duties of homeschooling, being a wife and mother, etc. I'm also attending a preparatory training to work on a crisis line. All of this is in an effort to make myself employable and family-sustainable if Neall goes to vet school. I am in full support of this complicated life change and can't wait to get on with it. It's going to be a long, difficult, busy, emotional road but I think what waits for us on the other side is worth the trip. I've always been a road-tripper anyway, so I'm looking at it this way.

Today my tasks include re-organizing the homeschooling stuff and clearing off what will become my "home base". I am going to need a space for all of my school things if I hope to even try to maintain this schedule with at least the appearance of control. Tomorrow, on my way to visit with my trekking friend, I'll stop and buy my books and such. It's amazing to me how the "school starts" excitement can be so encouraging, even for a 34 year old mama.

Novasure and Amenorrhea (a post for the google bots and women considering the procedure).

2009-12-31T08:23:00.002-06:00

I'm blogging this because there are about 14 trillion, maybe even billion, stories about Novasure on the interwebz. Most of them are complete idiocy. Don't read on unless you want to become intimate with the uterus and the little scuffle I've been having with mine.

I read accounts of women with multiple large fibroids complaining that Novasure didn't work. I read about women with endometriosis complaining that Novasure didn't work. It took me about 3 minutes of 4th grade level reading to understand what Novasure is and IS NOT successful at treating. I don't know whether to be more angry at doctors performing a procedure unnecessarily or at patients for not being intelligent enough to READ about it. Argh. I read dozens of women saying "I've had a tubal ligation and Novasure, I really want a baby, what are my chances". Girls, your chances range from about zero to zero. Either adopt a baby or let go of the idea. I know how hard that "must procreate" feeling is to squelch, but you're only causing yourself pain to think this may work. If I ever have a bazillion dollars I am so starting a foundation to teach girls about their anatomy starting at age 4. Ignorance when it comes to the workings of your body is NOT BLISS.

Anyway, Novasure is a procedure that uses radio waves to toast the inside layers of your uterus. This cell layer is responsible for creating the blood lining that enables fertilized eggs to implant. It is this layer you shed when you have your monthly period. Under sedation a probe is inserted into the uterus via the cervix. No cutting is involved but it's rather uncomfortable to have your cervix forcefully dilated, even just a centimeter. Once the probe is inserted the doctor pushes a plunger, pushing a fan shaped copper device out through the tip of the probe. The fan fills the uterus, touching as much of it as possible. For 90 seconds high frequency radio waves damage the cells rendering them useless. They still get the hormonal message every month that says "time to make the donuts" but they are unable to comply, try as they might. The copper fan is removed and occasionally other procedures are done. Some women require D & C which is essentially a clean-out of whatever is still in there. The stage of your monthly cycle plays a role here. If you're due shortly for your period a D & C is performed so the doctor can get a visual confirmation (via tiny camera) that the Novasure did it's thing. Other things might arise as well, depending on your situation. Now that I've explained the procedure, here is my experiential timeline. This is what I was looking for on the web and couldn't find.

Symptoms: heavy bleeding, large clots, wacky timing, anemia (my largest complaint actually), fatigue, and a general sense of blah during (and later the days/weeks surrounding) the bleeding part of my cycle.

Diagnosis: Amenorrhea (fancy word for screwed up periods)

Back story: My pregnancy with my son Oak was horrid. I'd always started my periods quickly after childbirth, within about 6-8 weeks, but after Oak it was immediately. I had a light period 2 weeks after childbirth and like clockwork every 28 days for about 3 months. Then chaos happened. I don't know what or why but they started getting irregular. I would have super light bleeding (or none at all) but would behave like an irrational, emotional, *insert unhappy word here*, crazy woman. Or I would have no emotional symptoms or physical clues but would bleed heavily a week before I was due. Crazy. I was sick of the roller coaster.

1. I went to the gynecologist. I told her my back story. She nodded knowingly and said "have you ever heard of Novasure. I hadn't (which frankly shocked me because I'm smarter than your average she-bear since I did so much research during my pregnancies). She gave me a pamphlet. They scheduled an ultrasound to measure my uterus and to make sure there was no other explanation for the unusual symptoms. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. If your doctor does not do this, find a new doctor. Novasure has risks that are not worth taking for no reason. I planned to do my own reading (beyond the company-produced pamphlet) and cancel the ultrasound if I chose not to go ahead with the procedure.

2. Ultrasound date was about 4 days away. Since it was nearing the end of the year I went ahead and scheduled the procedure. I wanted to squeeze it in before the new year because my deductible was already paid. I had done some reading but not as much as I was happy with. I could cancel or reschedule that as well.

3. I'd found little on my quest for info but from what I could piece together I was reasonably certain that I was a good candidate. Assuming I had no other problems, this was exactly what the Novasure procedure was designed to treat. The ultrasound was simple and not uncomfortable or painful. A wand is inserted into the vagina, just like in early pregnancy (if you have that experience). Your bladder needs to be empty so as not to get in the way. The ultrasound tech looks for anything unusual and takes some measurements. I found it pretty cool that they could measure the thickness of the lining that had already formed that way.

4. After the ultrasound the doctor met me in her office. She told me that there was nothing else going on that they could see. There was nothing that would prevent her from being able to do the Novasure procedure and nothing that would cause her to not WANT to do the procedure. I was a good candidate.

5. I continued my quest for knowledge, but aimed more in the direction of what to expect. I found almost nothing. The only "here's how it went for me" posts were from women who probably should not have had the procedure in the first place. Most had complications beyond just wacked-out periods. I ignored these because they didn't resemble my situation at all.

6. The night before the surgery I went on one final quest for reassurance. I wanted to know what to expect. What would happen first? Then what? How would I feel? How long would that last? I should have asked my gyn these questions but since I purposely sort of rushed this, I didn't get a chance. I didn't find anything helpful and went with the "it is what it is" approach. I trust my gyn and I knew this procedure was right for me. It would have been nice to know what to expect, but I didn't and oh well.

7. I was not allowed to eat or drink anything for 8 hours prior to the procedure. I was also supposed to pee in a cup when I arrived (at noon). I wondered how this would be possible but figured it would all work itself out.

8. My appointment was at a women's health clinic that specifically does outpatient gynecological procedures for women. That is all that they do as far as I know. It was a bit assembly line for my tastes, impersonal, but better than the hospital in that respect. Sometimes this procedure is done in the doctors office under oral anesthesia. I'd rather do it in a clinic under general than deal with swallowing a host of pills and being awake. Your feelings may be different.

9. I signed in and waited a bit. I was early. They did the usual doctors office stuff copying cards and such.

10. NOON: They took me back, telling my husband to wait in the waiting room until they had me settled into the pre-op area. They did the pee-in-a-cup thing, blood pressure, weight and put had me undress and put on a gown. The nurse came in and struggled to find a vein for the IV (well DUH, nothing to drink for 12 hours at this point) but eventually she got one into my hand. They forgot about fetching Neall so I had to ask them to do so.

11. 12:40 The nurse anesthetist came in and robotically asked me questions. I was concerned with nausea after anesthesia since I'd experienced that before. She assured me she would treat it pre-emptively. She was not my favorite employee. She was cold and business-like. I'd prefer someone with a bit more heart to be in control of my life, but she was similar to other NA's that I've dealt with. I knew not to expect a smiling happy NA. I figure their bedside manner is not as important as the doctor's is and let it go.

11. 12:50 The gyn came in and talked to me a bit. Within a few minutes they were asking Neall to wait in the waiting room and I was walking back to the procedure room. It was scary and here is where I wish I'd had the chance to know what to expect. There is a set that looks frighteningly medieval. It's a low bench with padded leg stirrups. They told me how to stand at the end and sit on the edge, then scoot. Once I was scooted and laying there nervously they started the IV meds to put me under. The anesthetist said I should start feeling dizzy. I was so I closed my eyes.

12. 1:30 I don't remember anything else until a nurse was shaking me and forcefully telling me to wake up and open my eyes. Apparently I was asleep longer than they expected me to be (20 minutes is how long I'd been out of the procedure room) and needed me to wake up. It took me several minutes to be able to comply. I was aware of the fact that someone wanted me to open my eyes but I couldn't do anything about it. I really just wanted her to leave me alone and let me sleep, lol. They got me to open my eyes finally by saying "your husband can't come in until you open your eyes and we know you're awake". Mean but effective. I was also very emotional, crying a bit though I didn't know why. I asked the nurse who said it was a common side effect of the anesthesia and that it should pass in a few minutes. It did.

13. 1:45 I sipped some soda and was surprised I wasn't feeling nauseous. They asked about pain. I said it was around a 5 and they gave me some Ibuprofen.

14. 2:00 15 minutes later I was getting dressed. They wheeled me to the front where Neall had pulled the car around. I was given a script for Darvocet which normally makes me nauseous. The pain wasn't unmanageable. It was really just bad period cramps. I was ravenously hungry so we went to get lunch.

15. 2:45 Neall drove me home and left me to go pick up the kids. I was feeling ok, tired and crampy but nothing crazy. About an hour after getting home was the worst of the cramping. I actually sent Neall to the store to fill the Darvocet script and to buy a hot water bottle. While he was gone I realized some of the pain was probably due to needing to pee, though it felt different than usual, and tried that approach. I was about 50% better after using the bathroom. Sitting in that position relieved some of the pressure and using the bathroom helped a lot too. By the time Neall got home I didn't want the Darvocet anymore.

16. 3:45 I DID want the hot water bottle. This is my biggest advice for anyone considering this. Have one ready. It felt really good, helped to take the edge off a bit and relax those muscles. It was also soothing to have this warm squishy bottle to snuggle up to. Might not be so nice in the summer, but it worked for me.

17. 6:45 I took more Ibuprofen but was not feeling desperate to take it. I took it because it was time and I wanted to be able to sleep.

18. It's now almost 10am and I've not had to take any more Ibuprofen. I felt well enough this morning to take the dog out and move a couple of trash cans to the curb. I had some coffee (heaven, lol) and think it is probably time to lay back down. I can feel a bit of crampiness starting and was warned this may be the case. I'll try to take it easy today. It's hard to keep me down for long. I got stuff to do, kids to feed, and a husband who is wonderful but not cut out for full time momming :P.

One Pot favorites.

2009-12-29T18:03:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow night, since I am having "surgery", the kids are eating fish sticks and tater tots. Ahhh, the classic easy-fix foods. Tonight, however, we are having a one-pot comfort food. It's rather simple and can be adapted to suit your personal tastes. Remember when I said that I tend to follow the intentions of recipes if not the specific rules. Well, this is one of those kinds of recipes. Experimenting with flavor combinations is easy if you stop to think about it. What are some of your favorite foods, what's in them? When you come across recipes later that have similar ingredients you can come up with all sorts of different ways to change things up.

Pork Potatoes in a Pot:

pork steaks or roast cut into steaks (I prefer boneless)
canned tomatoes
onions
potatoes
seasoning
oil or butter

1. In a large pot drizzle oil or plop in some butter.
2. Place pork into pan and turn on medium heat.
3. While the pork is starting to brown a bit thickly slice potatoes (I leave skins on but you can peel if you're picky). Add potatoes as you slice them. I usually use 4-5 large potatoes.
4. Thickly slice onions. I leave them in rings so I can pick them out and omit them easily. The kids don't like onions. If everyone likes onions you can chop roughly or even dice depending on your taste. Separate rings and toss these on top of the potatoes.
5. Dump in 2 or 3 cans of stewed tomatoes. I use diced but whole or even crushed tomatoes would work fine.
6. Salt and season (I normally use Lawry's Season Salt) and give it a stir.
7. Add a can of water to keep the bottom from burning and to provide steam. The potatoes will cook much faster this way.
8. Cook until potatoes are soft and meat is cooked through, typically about 30 minutes. If you turn the heat down you can slow cook this for hours which is very delicious. I did this once but couldn't stand the wait. It smells delicious.
9 Serve with a slotted spoon to reduce the amount of liquid or serve in a bowl like a very chunky soup. Sour cream is a delicious add-in if eating as a soup.

Delicious every time, fast, and inexpensive. The meat for this recipe was $8, the potatoes about $1, the onions about $1 and the tomatoes about $2. This will feed all 6 of us with leftovers making it about $2/person. Can't beat that. Alternatives and add ins might be spinach, green chilies, corn, carrots, black beans, other meats, serve over rice. The possibilities are literally endless and this makes a great "little-of-this-little-of-that" dish for using up leftover bits of the week's meals.

German Pancakes.

2009-12-28T17:30:00.000-06:00

So a Christmas morning tradition in our house growing up was revived this year. Well, I had good intentions anyway. German Pancakes. These are more souffle than pancake, but packed with egg protein mom wants and the sweet treat that everyone expects on Christmas morning. Now that I think about it, from a spiritual perspective, I should move this tradition to Spring Equinox, otherwise known as Ostara, or Easter to the Christians in the reading bunch. I digress. I didn't make them Christmas morning. Some Christmas Miracle occurred and the kids didn't wake us until 10:30. So, it was lunchtime before we got around to eating and I put the pancake fixins aside. Voila, dinner tonight. German pancakes go a little something like this:

8 eggs
1C half and half
1/2C milk
2C flour
1/4C powdered sugar
1/2t salt

(This batch will make 4 pancakes, which is exactly how many pie pans I have. Since they are to be eaten fresh I don't usually double the recipe, choosing instead to make just 4 at a time so they can be eaten hot.)

topping possibilities: lemon juice, butter, powdered sugar, fruit compote, fresh fruit, whipped cream

Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Whip main ingredients until smooth. Batter will resemble a thin pancake batter but without the bubbles and quite yellow from the egg yolks. Pour immediately into round pie plates that have been sprayed with cooking spray or well greased, 1 cup at a time. For small 7 inch pie pans use 1/2 cup for each pancake. Place into oven and try to resist opening the oven door. Bake until golden and fluffy (maybe 15 minutes). Pancakes puff up then curl around the edges. Remove from pans and serve immediately with toppings. My favorite topping is apple pie filling topped with shredded cheese. The kids prefer them dusted with powdered sugar. The traditional recipe calls for butter and lemon juice topping. I'm not sure how that would work but if anyone tries it, let me know. You could go crazy with different types of syrups for these as well. The possibilities are endless.

These warm the kitchen nicely and smell great baking. I love these for cold days for this reason and they are not any more time-consuming than normal pancakes are. They are also fairly low in sugar, not heavy in your stomach and pack a good 2-egg protein punch without picky eaters even knowing what hit them. I want to try mini's some day but would need a dozen mini pie plates. They'd be so cute though! Enjoy!

Some last minute holiday preparations. And the adventures of brining.

2009-12-23T21:51:00.003-06:00

There is always something isn't there? So my IL's decided to take the children shopping this year instead of buying presents. This earned 4 thumbs up from me (again with the big toes as thumbs). The boys got coordinating suits, black with white pinstripes and red ties. The girls got coordinating dresses, red with red glitter, black tights and black sweaters. Neall has a red dress shirt and a black/white steampunky (google steampunk if you're curious) tie and black pants. Suddenly we have the makings of a matchy-matchy holiday! I would be telling a lie if I said I wasn't that kind of mom. I LOVE coordinating outfits for special occasions. So back to the story. My IL's hand me a bit of money and instruct me to find myself an outfit that goes with the theme of all of the others. Well, I agree to try. I have a black skirt (that I wore at dh's holiday party last year). I clap gleefully to myself when I remember this. As quickly as my excitement comes, it goes. I have nothing red. NO...THING. No wait, I have a long sleeved t-shirt. Not exactly what I had in mind. So now I am faced with a conundrum. Do I even dare consider going shopping so close to Christmas to find something red? It sounds crazy even typed out. I found myself accidentally at the mall last night but found NOTHING. NO...THING. But... the mall is open tomorrow until 7. I could go and find something. I'm leaning toward a scarf, or a feathery hair clip or a pin or something. I have a white blouse that would be fine. A scarf would be ideal. I'm picky. It's Christmas Eve. The mall is going to be insane. I am going to the mall on Saturday (shhh, don't tell the kids). Do I REALLY need something red? Really? REALLY. We'll see if my secret love of coordinating outfits is enough to drive me to the mall tomorrow. Stay tuned. If I do go I'm sure there will be an interesting story to relay afterwards.

Also in the last-minute category is the turkey. Now, the only reason I'm doing turkey is because I had one in the freezer. It was really a cop-out. I just didn't want to figure out what else we could eat instead. I was being lazy. So Neall brought it up from the deep freeze a couple of days ago. This morning it was still frozen solid. Not a smidge of thaw despite being in the refrigerator for 36 hours or so. So I decided I had to brine it. Not only is brining delicious, but it also thaws the bird out. The big problem with brining a Turkey is that they make it look SO EASY on TV. While the recipe aspect is rather simple, finding a container that is large enough is NOT. In years passed I have purchased a 5gal bucket from a home store specifically for this purpose. Currently that bucket has mudding compound in it from redoing the bathroom. Not an option. So I hastily settle on a Rubbermaid tub. I evict the clothing contents into a garbage bag wishing them a joyous season in their new baggie home. I scrub the old Rubbermaid tub (which I shall henceforth refer to as a bucket since that's what I always call them) and rinse it. From here on out you can consider this a "recipe".

1. Into the bucket put enough cold water to cover the bathing bird.
2. Add 1 cup salt per 1 1/2 gallons of water. (Or, as I do, dump salt until you feel like it is enough).
3. Roughly chop onions and citrus fruit, add to bucket of water. (I used grapefruit and oranges, you can use whatever you have).
4. Throw in the dregs of any citrus juice you find in your fridge. (For me this was about a cup of lime and lemon juice)
5. Toss in seasonings that smell good. (It is my cooking motto that if it smells good it probably tastes good. Try it sometime, you'll see I'm right).
6. Get a spoon or spatula or whatever and give it a good stir.
7. Now plop in the bird. Cover bucket with lid.
8. Refrigerate, place outside in cold weather (well protected from turkey hunters), or add ice to the water to keep mr gobblegobble cold
9. After brining for 24 hours, longer if chirpy was frozen when you started, remove from brine and dry with paper towels or kitchen towels you can bleach.
10. Once dry rub inside and out with herbs and a bit more salt if you'd like.
11. Bake bird in oven. I do not baste. I like to salt the outside with a good sea salt before baking and let the skin get nice and crispy. The salt on the outer layer will pull the moisture from the skin allowing it to get nice and crispy. Basting makes it soggy. Even though I am Simply Soggy, I hate soggy turkey. The crisp skin keeps the moisture where it belongs, inside the muscle of the turkey, making it moist and delicious.
12. Ta-da, yummy turkey. Be sure to roast thoroughly blah blah salmonella blah blah. Holiday puking should be reserved for overindulgance of drink, not food poisoning. Yes, this is part of the recipe. Feel free to submit this to your church recipe book.

Suddenly Bah Humbug doesn't seem so bad.

2009-12-21T17:43:00.001-06:00

Nostalgia is not sorrow. Nostalgia is fond remembrance. Even without the semantics, someone who feels that all tradition, all human needs lead to sorrow, needs some help. I resisted the urge to give out the number to the crisis line. I don't know this person, but I learned a long time ago that when my brain won't leave well enough alone there's usually a reason. A message to everyone, please pass it on if you feel so inclined. Winter is a time of natural rest. It's no wonder our expectations clash with our deep need to succumb to that rest. There IS a chance for balance. Rest and reflection naturally go with togetherness and looking forward towards tomorrow. They may seem like a contradiction, but they are not. Human nature drives us to be part of a group as much as it longs for solitary opportunity to reflect. If you are feeling down, blue, sad, depressed, melancholy, or even worse, there is help. Seek it out. All of us need light, and it doesn't always come from within.

Peace and blessings on this midwinter's night.

The shortest day turns into the longest night.

2009-12-21T08:40:00.003-06:00

In mid winter the shortest day turns into the longest night. I am Pagan and this is cause for great celebration. This year I'm a day off, lol. At 11:47 last night we made the slow, calculated turn towards light. This family will pretend it is tonight. No matter. The important part of this celebration is that we are together and it's a great chance to explain my beliefs to a group of children who are finally able to understand and, more importantly, wonder about them. It has always been my goal to educate my children in a way that leaves the door open for thought and choice. It is my hope that my children will choose a spiritual path of respect and love, light and family, faith and heart. I am often asked what I will do if my children become Christian. I love that question because it is typically asked from a platform of horror. It is expected that I would be offended, horrified, angry, sad (whatever negative feeling you want to insert here). Quite the contrary, I'd be thrilled. I have only one rule regarding religion. Respect. I cannot imagine my children choosing to be disrespectful. I hope that I have raised them to always consider the thoughts and feelings of others. So long as they are not disrespectful in their beliefs then I will be proud of their choice. After all, THEY made it.

I cannot choose the life my children will lead. I can only offer my beliefs, show why my convictions are important to me, answer questions honestly and allow for open thought and even disagreement. I provide the information. They decide how to interpret it. Paganism isn't required. I hope, as most parents do, that my children follow in my footsteps simply because I think it's a beautiful path to be on. That does not mean I'll begrudge them their own path. I hope more fervently that the path they choose is as beautiful. What more could a mother want?

So on the night we've chosen to honor the darkness and rejoice in the rebirth of the sun, there will be love and candlelight. The longest night will be cherished for it's necessity, and we'll welcome the sunshine by being sunshine ourselves.

May the light of the newly born sun shine on you all today, and every day this year. May it's rays bring you opportunity for thought and action. May it's life-giving warmth bring you abundance and people to share it with. Have a fantastic year my friends. Blessed Be.

Busy in a calm and serene way.

2009-12-20T18:18:00.002-06:00

While I have dinner cooking (this is NOT a food blog, I SWEAR) I figured I'd say hello. Our weeks past have been a bit chaotic but things are finally settling into calm-before-the-storm mode. The trip to Disney instead of gifts thing has turned out to be one of the BEST ideas I have ever had. Neall was skeptical about my ability to stick to the agreement, but other than stuff from Santa, there are no gifts coming into this house. The Winter Fairies come tomorrow night. I have some lovely holiday shows waiting patiently for our viewing tomorrow night as the night lasts on and on, longer than any other night in a year. I have dinner planned (nothing fancy) and am looking forward to it immensely. We've been invited to Aunt Mary's house for Christmas Eve, which is a tradition that was abandoned for a few years. Amazingly I am also looking forward to that. Aunt Mary has delicious ham. The family adores our children nearly as much as we do, and it's a casual and humorous evening. That also takes care of a meal :P. Neall is off many days over the next 2 weeks due to holidays. I'm looking forward to having him home. I'm trying to get the house ready for Neall to be running the show. I'm having the Nova Sure procedure done on the 30th. While there is typically no major recovery period required, I plan on milking this for all it is worth. I will be sore that day and the next, so I hope Neall can run things without me. I don't have any grand plans for New Year. I am looking forward to parades and pancakes, turkey and potatoes, The Mall the day after Christmas and just being with my little family (with a dab of extended family tossed in for flavor). I wouldn't say I've found the Christmas spirit exactly, but I have agreed to let Christmas happen this year.

Sometimes I'm amazed at my own ingenuity.

2009-12-15T18:21:00.002-06:00

Other times genius sneaks up on me. Tonight would be one of those times. So awhile ago I gave up on cooking. It wasn't a calculated or conscious decision. It just happened. Slowly, meal by meal, I quit trying. Why? Because nobody eats what I make, except for me I mean. So anyway I sort of gradually gave up. Any effort to cook was either something *I* had in mind, or something for Neall and I together. All of this was nudged gently along by the fact that Neall is only home for dinner a small smattering of weeknights. Th and Fr are really his only dinner days. Those are often nights of obligations as well, be it Cub Scouts or appointments or social outings. The children, during this unplanned cooking hiatus, ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly. When I say "a lot" I mean it. Some days that's all they ate, with an apple or orange thrown in there for nutritional value. I'm almost embarassed to admit that. Almost. So when finances got tighter and the weather got cold and I started cooking again, something changed. I guess compared to PB&J, boring chicken breast and mashed potatoes are like dream food. Here's a snippet of a conversation at the dinner table tonight, provided as evidence:

Finn: "mama, how many stars can you get?"

Me: "what???"

Finn: "for a restaurant, how many stars can you get?"

Me: "oh, you mean how good it is? 5"

Finn: "well I give you ten thousand trillion because this food is really really good"

I should have quit cooking a long time ago. I may have to do it again soon, as soon as chicken and potatoes don't pass the dinner test any more. Until then, I'll enjoy the happiness that I get from cooking meals my family love.

And the wheel turns slowly 'round.

2009-12-15T16:16:00.002-06:00

It's that time of day again. The time where I ask myself "what's for dinner" and hear nothing but silence. Fortunately today my psyche remembered the whole chicken defrosting in the fridge. I contemplated, for about 20 seconds, making soup, but then roast chicken popped into my head and voila! Dinner comes together, at least in my head. Mashed or baked potatoes, a mixed greens salad and maybe corn will complete the meal.

Speaking of wheels turning, it's also the time of year I reflect on my spiritual path. I know, I know, I should do this a bit more often. But honestly I just don't have time, nor do I feel the need. Faith for me is an ever present feeling. A healthy dose of thought once a year seems sufficient. Perhaps I'll outline some of my beliefs in a later post, after gathering my thoughts.

On a totally unrelated subject, I am looking forward to the SNL Christmas special (I've been giggling about Schwedde balls for days already). I'm also looking forward the Sing Off episode tonight. Since we've gotten the DVR I haven't had to keep track of times and channels of favorite shows. The DVR records and I watch whenever I feel like it. Unfortunately there are already things recording and that means I either have to watch it "live" or find it on Hulu. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to anticipate a good show coming on. I used to do it with Idol. This has the same excitement for me. I can't wait to see what they come up with tonight. The gave a "sneak peek" last night and it was fabulous. I was, however, annoyed that they kept the older professional ladies and got rid of the group of homeless young people. It's the "champion for the poor" in me that was really rooting for them. Some of these kids are sleeping in their cars. They can't find jobs and live in one of the highest unemployed areas in the country. They were crazy good too. All of the other groups are either college based groups with auditoriums and costume funds and voice coaches, hand picked and privileged, or professionals already making a living doing what they do. I'd have been even more enthusiastic about the show if they hadn't tugged my heartstrings and promptly booted them. Neall said they probably aren't as bad off as they made it sound. I kind of hope he is right. Because if you have one shot and you don't make it, it's awfully hard to pursue that dream again.

Tomorrow I get to dress up and go play with the big kids. I have a meeting with an organization that I want to volunteer for. It's an hour-long lunch presentation about their organization and what they do. I've been researching and perusing online and already feel like this is going to be a great fit. I'm picky to a fault. I have an incredibly limited amount of time. In order to volunteer I am sacrificing time with my family and resources. I don't want to make those sacrifices for anything less than the most dedicated program I can find. This organization provides a 24 hour crisis line as well as other services. They don't require an excessive commitment (one shift per week is totally reasonable) and they seem to really respond to and value their volunteers for their own personal talents and professional obligations. So I will know considerably more about the whole process after tomorrow but if all goes well I'll be in a 60 hour training program in mid January. I feel alive when I think about the whole thing. I've no doubt I'm doing the right thing for myself and my career. I realized at one point that students majoring in social work and such have school networks to fall back on for experience and guidance. I don't have that since I'm in a custom major program. If I'm going to have a shot at doing this I need to hunt that down on my own. This is a good first step. Plus, I haven't worked in more than 10 years. It's a very minor consideration, but it will be necessary for me to have something on my resume, preferrably in my chosen field.

On that note, I can already smell my chicken roasting and should probably pot some potatoes into a pan for boiling.

There was supposed to be sun.

2009-12-14T14:32:00.002-06:00

I had planned on bundling up and dragging the kids out to the driveway today. If nothing else they'd get some fresh air and sunshine. It's so cloudy and gray though that I can't find the energy. I drank more coffee in hopes of finding some energy. I managed to get the kids through school and lunch. I have a busy late-week so I should probably just cut today's losses and rest up. I have a lunch meeting on Wednesday with an organization that provides, among other things, a crisis line. I hope to volunteer there once a week. Afterwards we'll make a social visit to a good friend. So free lunch on Wednesday, and afternoon of fun later, an ultrasound on Th to determine the parameters for the Nova Sure procedure, Cub Scouts Thursday night. Friday is cookie day at grammas after a stay-and-play Christmas party for Zella and Oak. Saturday is the big Parents As Teachers Christmas party and the kids are really looking forward to it. It's one of the few things the older siblings are allowed to attend. Then we find ourselves suddenly in "holiday week" which is chaos for everyone, not just us. Since we celebrate the spiritual aspect of the holidays on the 22nd I am under a bit more of a time crunch. I still have no idea what the fairies are bringing and have no creative inspiration this year. Usually I can find a theme and go with it, but this year I'm just deer-in-the-headlights STUCK.

Phew, I need a nap just thinking about the chaos that starts on Wednesday.

Bwahahahahaha!

2009-12-13T15:04:00.001-06:00

Day of rest my ass. As if. Under duress I've made a pumpkin pie (without the crust, nobody eats it anyway so why bother). I have frozen rolls rising and meat for beef stew thawing. I'll cut up veggies eventually for that, no hurry. I'm also planning to make Chex Mix since the ingredients keep getting eaten and I'm determined. If I don't make it now it'll never happen. I'm contemplating a fruit salad but not sure I have it in me. Maybe just blackberries and cream for dessert then. Or just Egg Nog. OH! I forgot about the Nog. I could swig some of that right now, get in the mood and all. The kids where absconded to the neighbor's house for a cookie party. I sincerely hope, for Don and Katie's sake, that that does not mean frosting and sprinkles. They are crazy neighbors (being republican and all) but I don't think even they are that crazy. Hopefully cookie party just means eating cookies, not creating them. I considered going over there but I conveniently have a pie in the oven and can't bring myself to enter the potential fray. I'll just have to trust that they know what they are doing and offer damage control after the fact ;).

Sunday recovery.

2009-12-13T11:14:00.001-06:00

I am attempting to recover from this lingering cold that has gripped me. One day I feel better, the next twice as bad as before. It's maddening. I'm eating clementines and Honey Crisp apples (which are clearly at the end of their season since they are getting mushy and losing their flavor) in a failing attempt at supporting my immune system enough to knock this down before round 2 hits us for Christmas. I'm thaking my luck stars to have had the foresight to simplify the holiday this year. Our trip to Disney was all main gifts. Only Santa has to make an appearance (and the fairies, although their contributions will be severely limited this year). Thank goodness for lazy holidays. Stay healthy. I think I'm going to go curl up on the couch and maybe even take a nap.

Again with the food stuff.

2009-12-11T20:37:00.002-06:00

Ok so maybe I am turning this into a food blog, lol. The thing is, we're so broke that we're cooking at home. No eating out. So food is taking up an even greater percentage of my day than it used to. Plus, it's the holidays so there are some things in my fridge that wouldn't normally be there. Oh, and it's finally cold, so the comfort food and baking has seen a huge increase. I scheme at 4am what I can make for meals that involve turning on the oven. What can I say? I'm easily amused. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah! BRUSSELS SPROUTS!!! I hear you groaning. Shush. These aint your soggy, slimy, mushy, overcooked piles of goo your gramma used to make you eat. These. Are. Delicious. It's simple really. Toss fresh brussels sprouts that have had the stems trimmed and yellow leaves removed with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast in a baking pan in 425 degree oven, shaking to keep them from sticking every 7-9 minutes-ish, until they turn brown and a little crispy looking. It took ours about 40-45 minutes but reviews of similar recipes ranged anywhere from 15-75 minutes so watch them. If your sprouts are particularly large, cut them in half. If you're feeling particularly bold add some parmesan cheese to the tossing step. De-lish.

When buying fresh Brussels Sprouts, be ready to explain what they are and what you do with them. I guarantee they don't sell tons of them.

While I'm on a "say nice things about nice people" blog kick, I'd like to give a shout out to the Dierberg family of Direbergs markets. I have a Shop N Save 2 blocks from my house. I have a Schnucks up the road at Loughborough. I have an Aldi across the street from Shop N Save. Dierbergs, however (even though it is a couple of miles from home), shall henceforth be known as "The Only Place Gwen Will Ever Shop". Shop N Save is infuriating. They never have what I need, are consistently out of specific items I need, and I almost always come home with something that expired weeks ago and now has to be returned and exchanged. Aldi is great for a smattering of things but we keep getting fruit flies and it's usually due to aldi onions, of all things. I didn't realize fruit flies liked onions but apparently they do. Schnucks is just poorly laid out. My brain can't process the aisle down the center thing they have going on and I miss aisles and have to backtrack. Maybe that whole double-the-endcaps approach works from a selling-stuff perspective, but it cramps MY buying-stuff style so I don't like it. Most people, when I tell them that I prefer Dierbergs, scoff and go into a diatribe about how expensive it is. BUT IT'S NOT! I got 2 weeks of groceries, including STEAK today for $140. Included in that cost were Clementines (mmmmm), a small fake christmas tree, 2 dozen bottles of Vitamin Water, and STEAK, lol. More importantly, I got EVERYTHING I needed, don't have to go back, don't have to go anywhere else. Take THAT Schnucks and Shop N Save. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Good job Dierbergs! You rock!

Okay, okay.

2009-12-10T17:24:00.002-06:00

So maybe this is starting to look like a food blog. I sat down to write about my successful Shephards Pie experiment and realized that this would be yet another "food blog" entry. I promised I wasn't turning this into a food blog didn't I? Dang. Ok, then I won't tell you about my scrumptious, yummy, delicious, warm, bubbly shephards pie that I made for my family. The kids ate vegetables again.

I'll talk instead about nothing of consequence. OH! I'm done with this semester of school. I've got "schooooolllls OUT for EVER" in my head because of it. I somehow, (don't ask me how) managed to squeeze 2 A's. I'm beyond happy with this development. An A in math!!! Whodathunkit. I still think the instructor should have made the final 1 question. "Calculate the number of points you need to earn an "A". A "B". A "C" etc... . Instead I had a 40 question, 2 1/2 hour nightmare. Ok, well, it only took me an hour and I got a B, but who is counting :shines knuckles on shirt:. I'm officially done with math for the duration of my college career. Psych of Death and Dying is over too since I got an A and there is no sense taking the cumulative final. They toss your lowest test grade, so no worries there.

Oak and I are spending the evening at the Make-It Take-it for Hancock School District tonight and tomorrow morning we're scoping out the preschool. I'm oober picky (understatement) so I'm easing into the idea of sending Oak to preschool. They have a nice new building and have been working on improving their program. It's within walking distance (no sidewalks but I could do it in a pinch), and it's a couple of hours in the morning M-Th. I think Oak would like it, if the program is up to my standards. Nobody hold their breaths. I'm skepeptical, to say the least.

Christmas cards and a holiday update letter went into the mail today. I'm shocked at myself for actually making it happen. The letter is written in treasure-map font and each paragraph starts with "Blah blah blah". Totally me-style. If you thought you'd get something traditional out of me you were sorely mistaken. The card and the photos are non-trad as well. Think outside the box people. It's fun! I translated the letter to pirate speak but it was hard to read so I settled for just the font. Maybe next year ;). I'm already scheming.

I have a couple of product reviews for you guys too. First, Easy Bake Oven can suck it. They don't come with the light bulb, which renders the machine totally inoperable, and the light bulb required doesn't actually exist in real life. I'm beyond frustrated with this development.

Creve Coeur Camera, however, gets 4 thumbs up (I've included my big toes which we'll call thumbs for now). We had our cards printed there and they were economical, fantastic quality, and surprisingly came with envelopes! I created the entire thing from blank block to done in about an hour and they were printed and ready for pick up the next day. I could have had them mailed for a small fee, which I will probably do next year. Fantastic! They get my photo business from now on.

I've done a terrible thing.

2009-12-08T13:47:00.000-06:00

I forgot to drink coffee this morning. I got up before I wanted to. I figured that since I was up I might as well get a move-on with the morning chores. They were actually last week's morning chores but I never got around to them. Number 1 on the list was picking up the Christmas cards I'd had printed. I threw on a clean pair of pants, a scarf on my head, a coat and headed out. As I was out and about it started misting. I quickly ran through the list of must-do-today's and decided I could tackle a number of them by going to Target. It turned out to be a good plan. I headed home to discover that Neall had called in sick. I made chili for lunch (instead of dinner) while the family played the wii. I wrote our holiday letter (which I will post here eventually) and came up with a tentative list of who needed to have an actually mailed envelope. Through all of this it didn't occur to me why I was rubbing my temples and seeking out the liqui-gels. No coffee. So, coffee with chili for lunch ;). Stay warm friends.

Unexpected moments.

2009-12-07T19:46:00.003-06:00

First, I SWEAR I am not turning this into a food blog. Those of you with children know, (and those who don't have children will just have to take my word for it), life revolves around food. It's not peace or politics, snotty noses or dirty laundry, that dictate our days. It's food. From the moment you wake (often earlier) to the moment your exhausted head hits the pillow at night, there is ever the food spectre floating around. But I digress.

Food. Today, as usual, was plagued with "I'm hungry" and "I don't like that" and "What else can I have?". As a result of this constant tirade, today was also plagued with incessant peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Fortunately for me those are almost all made by the little imps themselves. (I'm not sure that should be considered fortunate but we'll go with it for now). Once dinner rolled around I had a conundrum. It was obvious nothing I fixed, no matter how delicious, how much of a favorite, was going to be actually eaten. I made a calculated and solid decision and fixed Ramen noodles for the monsters. Before you call CPS, hear me out. My reasoning was that since they were not going to eat anyway, I'd fix the cheapest thing I had. That way, when I'm trashing it in an hour, I'm not lamenting the loss of x amount of grocery dollars. I think I can swing the $.75 of uneaten Ramen. As expected the rugrats didn't eat a noodle. Not one slurp. In honor of the actual food (safely tucked away in the fridge and pantry) I decided to make myself lettuce wraps for dinner. (You didn't honestly think *I* was eating Ramen, did you?).

I have not previously made lettuce wraps so I perused the recipes online and came up with a plan. I almost always ignore recipes, choosing to improvise. Recipes are merely guides to flavor combinations and I follow the heart of recipe wisdom, if not the specifics. (Note: This is why I don't bake. coughsendcookiescough.). So I figured lettuce wraps were essentially just stir-fry wrapped in lettuce. I chopped ingredients happily. Very scientifically and culinarily (by color), I added sweet potato, carrot, onion, garlic, cabbage, spinach and a handfull of leftover honey lentils from earlier this week. I sauteed and wokked and stirred happily. I added soy sauce at some point and it smelled delicious. I don't know what clued me in to what was happening next. Perhaps a shift in air current, a gentle clearing of the throat, or just that whole sixth sense mothers have, but I realized I had an audience. It was pure horror-movie footage. I turned slowly and 4 pairs of innocent eyes stared, well, innocently at me. Winnie clasped her hands together in what I call "patience pose" (thanks to Dannielle for that concept, it's usually used for good, not evil) and cocked her head to the side and said sweetly "whatcha cookin?". I slowly turned my body to protect my precious lettuce-wrap mixture and sneakily hid the hydroponically grown organic "living" boston lettuce behind the KitchenAid. Very calmly I said "nothin'. Go play" and hastily added "If you go play I'll let you stay up until 9". I'm not above bribery, particularly if the organic produce is in jeopardy. Winnie peeked around me and sniffed the air and actually said "NOTHING sure smells good". My brain worked feverishly for a way to get them out of my kitchen. I started to sputter that there were onions and garlic and SPICY STUFF and that surely they'd rather have a sandwich. For each statement the children licked their lips and said "but we like that now" or "we don't mind spicy". I swear Oak winked at me. I was left with little choice but to let them try my precious dinner. It was ready to serve and hot and delicious smelling. To continue to dissuade them would have been futile. So I did something horrid and unthinkable. I made them each a little lettuce wrap and showed them how to eat it.

These children. These children who won't eat burgers unless they're nasty McDonalds versions, these children who won't eat spinach or lettuce or even herbs because they are *gasp* GREEN, THESE CHILDREN ATE MY LETTUCE WRAPS. As they were sucking the juice off their fingers and licking their lips and fighting over the last of the delicately marinated onions and the crisp organic lettuce, they grinned at me. I'm pretty sure Oak winked at me again. I stared at the decimation of my precious VEGETARIAN, spicy, GREEN dinner and sighed. I suppose I should be GLAD they ate lentils and onions and lettuce and spinach. I don't know what's gotten into them and I'm not stupid enough to think whatever it is will stick around, but they ATE MY FOOD. I almost cried.

With a heavy heart and mixed up thoughts I made myself a peanut butter sandwich and settled in to get this story written out before the memory of "The Day the Children Ate Vegetables" was lost to all of the other little things us moms have to remember. After they go to bed I'll whip myself up something decadent for dessert and marvel at the nerve of these little monstrous creatures, and the fact they've been given to ME to shape. It is unexpected moments like these that make even missing the delicious lettuce wrappy yumminess (sorry, channeling Willy Wonka there) worthwhile.

Crash Hot Potatoes.

2009-12-06T20:20:00.004-06:00

Crash Hot Potatoes
This may be my all time favorite food. Combined with some nice meat, something green, and a glass of cherry wine, and you have a beyond delicious meal. I may or may not be drunk blogging right this very moment, but I had to share.

Coffee filter snowflakes and paper chains.

2009-12-03T10:31:00.000-06:00

Aside from a few light strands this will be our primary holiday decorations. I have nowhere to put a tree. I've looked and hunted, mentally rearranged and reorganized, and still there is nowhere to put a tree. I've given up. We'll use our front bay window as "Holiday Central" with snowflakes and paper chains and lights and lovely drawn pictures. And we'll skip the tree. Thank. The. Goddess.

Third time is a charm.

2009-12-01T15:38:00.000-06:00

This is my third post today. I deleted my Twitter account and suspended my Facebook account. I did it in a fit of annoyance and anger over being accused of allowing the internet to occupy my day. I wanted to prove it's not the case. It's NOT the case. This blog is the replacement for both of those. My outlet. I spend time on the internet, but I do so only in short bursts, a moment here, a cup of coffee there. I spend an excessive amount of time doing all of the other things required of me during the day. I clock in for my shift (job title: mama) at about 7 am and clock out at around 9pm. After that I'm on call, and not a night goes by where I'm not called in. So I figure I deserve an hour for lunch and 2 15min breaks. I don't get them, so I take a 30second break here and a 5 minute break there. If there are still dishes in the sink at the end of the day, it's because they are there AGAIN, not STILL. So anyway, I wanted to offer that as explanation to why I've posted 3 times today. I have a far lighter viewing audience on my blog than on Twitter and Facebook, but I still want to post.

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

2009-12-01T13:37:00.003-06:00

Or, in this case, when the husband is away the wife experiments in the kitchen. I say "experiments" as if I don't know how the dishes will turn out. Quite the contrary, I know exactly how the dishes will turn out. Delicious. If you like these sorts of things, anyway. First up: Honey Baked Lentils. (recipe can be found here http://www.recipezaar.com/Honey-Baked-Lentils-58598 ). Neall would not eat this happily. He might eat it. If he was hungry. Very hungry. Starving really. Since he won't be home tonight until midnight, this is on the menu. I'll do something I've never done before too. Photo blog the event. Yep. Since I have to make rice anyway, I'm also making Coconut Milk Rice Pudding. (recipe can be found here http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=6287.0 ). Neall probably wouldn't eat this either. He would eat it, but he wouldn't ENJOY it, and I'll be danged if I am wasting a precious can of coco-nutty deliciousness on him.

So, step one of both dishes is rice. If I had a rice cooker this would be a no-brainer but I don't. I have a phobia of cooking rice on the stove so I do it in the microwave. I love doing this particularly when the microwave is a disgusting mess. You can't NOT clean the microwave after cooking rice.

While the rice is cooking I've started the lentils. That stove was in this house when we moved in. I agreed to keep it only until it died. I figured that would be months, maybe a year. Here we are many years (and children) later, the gas company has given it a clean bill of health repeatedly, and it's still going. I have to light the damn thing with a lighter, but other than that it works swimmingly. Deep down I consider this a blessing.

I've just started the lentils simmering and am going to deviate from the recipe a bit. A reviewer recommended not boiling the lentils as long for a firmer texture. I hate soggy, squishy lentils (unless they are pureed in soup) so I am going to try her advice. 15 minutes and we'll be on our way.

"Dry" ingredients mixed. I substituted a mustard pepper blend. It was all I had in the way of dry mustard. I may or may not have added more than the prescribed onions. I also paid no attention to the honey measurements. It'll be good, trust me. Into the oven it goes.

While that was going on I wiped about a dozen snotty noses, washed my hands a bakers dozen times, licked my honey fingers and the rice finished cooking. As expected the microwave is a mess now with sticky rice-water. Now I HAVE to clean it. No procrastination opportunity.

Now for the rice pudding. That won't make it until dessert. I can tell you that right now. It'll be afternoon snack for anyone who wants some. That'll only be me. These kids are weird. I may or may not eat all of it.

And just like that it is done. That wasn't even the magic of the internet. It was that fast and that easy. This may become a winter staple. Rice and coconut milk can be bought in bulk and kept indefinitely. By far the hardest part of the dish was making the rice. With a rice cooker this would be cheap, easy, and fast. This would be to-die-for for breakfast with bananas or raisins.

The baking lentils smell DIVINE. The kids came sniffing. They may surprise me and eat it. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

A bit late, but meaningful nonetheless.

2009-12-01T09:22:00.000-06:00

The holidays are rough for me. I try to find joy and be thankful every day of the year. It's part of my religious and spiritual beliefs, and it's part of my nature. But, that being said, I suppose it won't hurt to play along with random thankfulness huh? So, 10 random things I am thankful for (in no particular order)(with credit to my Toasty Toes friend for coming up with or passing on the idea).

1. Fanfic. It keeps me occupied in short bursts of time. Unlike novels which, if they are interesting enough, occupy me so thoroughly the house could burn around me and I would not notice.

2. Twilight. I hear you laughing.

3. Friends who stick it out with you even when you're a ninny.

4. Coffee. C'mon, you didn't think I'd leave coffee off any happy list did you?

5. Free Coke glasses. Even though I had to eat McDonalds to get them, which makes them not free, I am happy for them. Especially the purple one.

6. Words like "ninny" and "bugger" which I'd never use except that British people on TV use them and I like them.

7. Glee. Who wouldn't like a show called "GLEE". The name implies happy. Dh doesn't like it, which brings me to my next thankful thing.

8. Having something all to yourself. I'm all for sharing, but when nobody WANTS to share, that's sometimes really nice.

9. Curry. I think I'll start a pot of curry lentils right now in fact. I also think I'll throw in potatoes and carrots, just for fun. I think I have a lonely piece of Naan bread in the freezer even.

10. Last but not least, neighbors. I wouldn't have potatoes without good neighbors. I wouldn't be going to New Moon on Friday without good neighbors. My kids would be more sheltered and confined without good neighbors.

This is the point.

2009-11-29T11:10:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year where I seem to be most ill-at-ease with my life. I'm not sure what my problem is. Maybe it's hormonal, one of those girl things. Maybe I'm mentally unstable. Maybe it's just that my personality gets overwhelmed by the increased mental chaos. I tend to think it's the latter, but don't all mentally unstable people deny being unstable? Anyway, I hate the holidays. I play along most years, pretending to love them, because you're supposed to. But really, all of the lovey-dovey, count your blessings, find joy in your family and friends, that's all stuff I do all of the time. So the holidays don't bring me joy. They bring drama. They bring family members together in odd dynamics, which usually results in someone getting "picked on" (for lack of a better word). They allow distant family to have a say in issues that they cannot possibly understand, frustrating those of us who've been tackling those issues for an extended time. People feel "brave" with conversations since they know there is an extended cooling off period in between visits. Responsibilities and tasks and stressors get piled on top of already busy, frazzled, stressed out people. I don't find joy in tasks like spending money I don't have, time I don't have, or energy I don't have. I don't like knowing that some people are pushing their own limits for me. I don't like knowing that some family members are over-extending themselves on my behalf, because I know from experience that eventually that turns into resentment and stress. I hate that the holidays are carefully disguised demonstrations of wealth. Even "just being together" costs money. Food costs money. Clothing costs money. I've never been to a family gathering that we had balogna and peanut butter sandwiches and watched a movie we already owned. There are always pictures and special clothes and little smokies, which all cost money. I am laughing out loud at the reaction that suggestion would get. So I sacrifice on my own little family gathering, where we eat peanut butter and balogna and watch a movie we already own, not because we want to, but because it's the only way we can afford matching clothes and pictures and special food. Of course it's met with "oh we don't HAVE to do that this year" but the implication is always there. You don't want to be the one family to break up the traditions. You don't want to be the one family that gets "covered" by the others, labeled as the ones unwilling to make the sacrifice for little smokies. And then, when it's all over for this year, you have a whole year to swear to yourself that next year will be different. Next year will be better. Next year you'll plan ahead and you'll make sure you're not in that position. Next year you won't let yourself get caught up in the inevitable drama that is human nature. Next year you will embrace the holidays for their originally intended purpose and all will be right with the world. And then it comes crashing down on you and you start the cycle again.

If I seem a bit depressed it's because I am. Friendships I thought were solid are apparently made of nothing but quicksand. I am so angry with myself for neglecting more solid friendships, which are now strained and uncomfortable due to my lack of effort. I feel very alone, a situation largely of my own making. I am unable to make the effort to find myself the friendships I need in my life, but unable to live without them. I can't figure out how to maintain the ones I already have, much less cultivate new ones. My husband has successfully reduced our relationship to only being as good as our financial stability, and that has me terribly upset. Perhaps he didn't mean it that way, but that's what it essentially is. You don't use words like "divorce" and "suicide" in conversations about money and not mean it. Another big old heaping teaspoon full of pressure and stress on top of my already fragile mountain. Add that I thought we communicated well and were essentially happy together (something I've told anyone who will listen), and a dose of embarrassment and egg-on-my-face push me over the edge. I don't know what the hell I need. Space? Forced friendship? A kick in the ass? I don't have a clue.

Giving and getting.

2009-10-24T15:17:00.002-05:00

This will be a word-vomit type entry so please ignore if you're opposed to reading some journal entry type words.

I give a lot. I'm a giver. I've always been a giver. Usually this is a fantastic thing. I LOVE giving. Sometimes though, when life is racing by at record speed, I think about getting instead. This would be one of those weeks. I've been so wrapped up in so many lives, willfully and gladly so. I've even managed to stay wrapped up in my own. I really like where my life is. Sure it's messy and chaotic sometimes. I have no idea, from one moment to the next, where this path is taking me, what will be next. Normally I'm ok with that. That pretty much IS life, right?

Halt. I just had an epiphany-ish moment. I just realized that the chaos that flows around me is manageable if I have some solidarity thrown in. Something to look forward to. Something to expect. Right now all of those "look forward to" moments keep getting canceled at the last minute. All those expectations get altered and warped just as I've gotten comfortable. Simple things like hair appointments and nights out are not being followed-through on. It's not the cancellations or the changes that are bothering me. It's the fact that EVERY SINGLE moment of expected joy and happiness gets blocked. If just one event happened when and where it was planned to I'd be right back on track and loving life again I think.

This is all happening completely unnoticed by others involved. They've got their own chaos to manage. It's not intentional, and I know that, but I can't help but feel betrayed and frustrated each time it happens AGAIN.

So where does this leave me? I don't fucking know. I've tried to just roll with it. That has me upset and crying each time yet another thing is canceled or changed. I don't think that's the right thing any more. I'm not a crier normally so I know this is truly getting to me. Discussing it with others involved is pointless. It's not an intentional situation so what good would that do? I just don't know. I'm nearing the snapping point though, so I know something has to give.

Am I mad?

2009-10-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

No! I'm not mad. Ok, well, maybe a little. Ok, maybe even a tiny smidge more than a little. I wanted to go there. Unfortunately for me the world does not revolve around me. The fact that it sometimes seems like the world doesn't even recognize that I'm here I am willing to overlook (not really but let's go with it). So a good time will be had by all without me. Hopefully a good time can be had by all WITH me another time. I'm not really holding my breath though. Join me in my pity party?

A continuance.

2009-10-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

I told Neall that this somewhat expensive and extravagant trip would be just what this family needed. I was right. I said that we needed to regroup before embarking on this trip down back-in-school-and-super-poor lane. I was right again. I said (actually promised) that this would be it until he is out of school and we are established wherever we end up, in a career we can sustain our family in. Here is where we run into difficulty. After a few days of rest I find myself daydreaming about going back. Now that we've done it the expensive way, I wonder how frugal we can be next time around. I mean, really. I only want to go to 2 parks. I wouldn't mind the campground. I could eat meals back at the campsite. The princess breakfast and fireworks from the top of a 5 star restaurant during dinner don't need to be re-done. Chicken nuggets and mac and cheese are not worth $8. I don't need dessert with every stinking meal either. So it could be done, right?!?! Dh is gonna kill me, lol.

Some odd's and ends, borrowed from another blog.

2009-09-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

Outside my window… Is a haze of spots and smears. Oh wait... that's just a filthy kitchen window...

I am thinking… that I should not be blogging but rather gathering the crew to go get my hair cut and possibly colored purple. Truth.

I am thankful for… the ability to negotiate and navigate this life. A little courage and hard work can get me anywhere.

From the kitchen… nothing today. Off to a friend's house for some much needed adult convo.

I am wearing… this reminds me, I need to go get out of my jammies.

I am creating… a mental list of all that needs to be accomplished in the next 2 weeks. Perhaps I should jot it down.

I am going… to drop Neall of at work, then to Sonic for limeades and then to D's.

I am reading… The Briar King on the kindle app.

I am praying… for a resolution to the chaos surrounding us.

I am hearing… the kids playing hide and seek with the dog.

Around the house… still laundry to be folded, a never ending phenomenon.

One of my favorite things… Neall's days off, time with everyone.

A few plans for the rest of the week… A couple of meetings, an appointment for Neall, readying for our trip, and my birthday!

I think I can I think I can.

2009-09-06T13:31:00.000-05:00

So life is choo-choo chugging along. Oak is full on, drop dead, kick my ass *2* and thus my computer time is limited. What little comp time I have these days is reserved for math study and homework. The little time left is in fits and spurts and often spent smacking small "button, I pushit mama, I pushit button" hands away. So my apologies to those of you who miss my company. Unfortunately, things are not likely to settle any time in the near future. Neall is still contemplating going to vet school and if that becomes a reality life will get even more chaotic. So life chugs along and so much of my "free" time is spent trying not to miss the important things that can never be gotten back. On that note, I have about 6 loads of laundry to fold and put away and a load of dishes to do before I can focus on cleaning the front room. Somewhere in there I need a shower but that will have to wait ;).

Cutest baby play conversation EVER. (with translation)

2009-08-09T13:49:00.000-05:00

Oak (at the kitchen table with the modeling wax)
"I tootking" (I'm cooking)
"I sheese and shoodor" (I cheese and sugar)
"I moon sheese shoodor" (I spoon cheese and sugar)
"I stirdit" (I stirred it)
"uh-uh bowdee, no dirt, sucky" (Uh-uh Toby, no dirt, it's yucky)
"uh moon stirdit no sucky dirt" (I spoon stirred it no yucky dirt)
"where tookit" (Where cook it?)
"uh uh uh FRADER?!?" (Refrigerator?!?)
"I wid it?" (I lid it?)
"HEY bowDEE, no sucky dirt!" (HEY Toby, no yucky dirt!)
"uh no sucky dirt ennair" (No yucky dirt in there)
"mmmm, MUMMY!" (Mmmm, YUMMY!)

I'm at a confusing crossroads.

2009-08-09T09:41:00.002-05:00

I don't know that confusing is the word I am looking for. Well, maybe in some respects it is confusing. I have so much going on in my life. Not busy-body busy, but mentally busy. Lots of big changes. Some friendships at a stand still (confusion steps in here). I'm thinking hurt feelings but I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how to approach the topic and I'm not sure I want to (more hurt feelings there I'm sure but it's how I feel so I must say it). Big life changes on the horizon have me contemplating things like life and death, age and maturity. I've never felt closer to my husband than I do right now but it's taking longer than expected for him to respond. I'm not sure what response I was hoping for, but it hasn't hit yet so I'll let you know when it happens, lol. He's mentally busy too though, so I'll give him space (not my biggest personality strength, lol) and see where he comes out. This is my stance on friendships at the moment as well. Some have strengthened. I feel distinctly distanced from some others. I just sort of ride the waves and wait for the calm waters. I don't have the mental and physical energy to be more forthcoming than that, so the whole "if you love something set it free" thing comes into play here. I feel so junior high in this respect, but I can't shake the need to trim the energy around me. It's a coping mechanism I've used for a long time, and sometimes it hurts to do it, but survival is of the essence.

Enough of that sticky topic. Neall, it appears, is heading for Vet school. EEK! I am in full support of this choice. I think it's bloody brilliant actually. I have no doubt in my head that we can manage/survive the roller coaster ride because the end goal is an amazing prize. Stability. A full life. Choices and options and decisions. Respect. Pride. A house in the country (lol). We're about 90% sure this is happening. There are some hiccups that could pop up at any time, rendering this no longer do-able, but for now it's the best plan we've got.

In addition to mental business, we've got some big things coming up. Let me just run down the list in my phone calendar, shall I?

8/16 birthday party
8/20 Cub Scout Raingutter Regatta (haven't even bought the boat, much less started it)
9/3 Cub Scout thingie
9/13 Family Picnic with Jost
9/17 Cub Scout thingie
9/22 Gabaldon book comes out (must not read until 9/25!)
9/25 Arrive in Orlando (driving before that, haven't figured that out yet, lol)
10/1 Check out of Disney and drive home (2 days)
10/15 Cub Scout fall fest and campout (organized by me)(3 nights)

And that's just through October. We won't even go into the holidays. Ugh, lol. All fun, but all busy.

I laughed so hard I snorted.

2009-07-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

So yeah, maybe if I read my own blog I'd know that I did Oak twice and did NOT do Winnie or Finn. What can I say, I'm busy and frazzled! Anyway, you get a twofer. Winnie and Finn will share the post spotlight.

Winnie is an amazing soul. She's an absolute necessity in my life. She is kind, helpful, and caring. She does an amazing job of helping me keep track of Oak, is almost always patient with Zella, and is an absolute doll to have a conversation with. She likes playing with dolls still (love that!) and is incredibly creative and artistic. She likes to draw and her imagination is unlimited. She makes me things like "gift cards" for coffee or back rubs. She's going to be an amazing mother some day.

Finn is a "boys will be boys" boy. I have no doubt that our first childhood broken bone will be Finn. Everything he does is 110% or more. There is no off button, nor is there a slow down button. He goes from the moment his feet touch the floor in the morning until he can't keep his eyes open at night. He reads avidly and loves to learn stuff. He prefers to be independant and is surprisingly sensitive. He's a wonderful, loving, and often trying child.

So, there we go. We'll pretend I didn't do Oak twice ;).

I forgot to feature Oak.

2009-07-07T08:54:00.000-05:00

Whoops! Last but not least, as they say. Oak Oak. Well, Oak is 2. He's a brilliant, funny, witty, smiley, active, evolving 2. He's making leaping strides in language every day. One day he says 75 words, the next it's 100 it seems like. He's starting to spit out baby babble sentences that only Winnie and I can translate (thank the god and goddess for my Winnie) and he normally means what he says very passionately. He's at that beautiful age where he repeats every word you say. Cuss words are typically yelled in the clearest most beautiful voice, of course, lol. He's fun and funny and we love him.

Inspiration in the grayness. Just another one of the many facets of me.

2009-07-05T16:39:00.002-05:00

I find music inspiring me today. Bands I was unaware of mere days ago have caught and held my attention and my emotion. Joy and pain, the nameless emotion one feels for their life partner, sorrow and excitement. Song to song my moods alter and shift, allowing my awareness to shift with them. So many things going on in my life. So many I can't even blog about them. Some I don't want to jinx with premature gushing about them. Others I hint at but don't feel ready to go into detail. Others seem so insignificant as words that I don't want to dishonor their place in my head by writing them down. I feel a sense of urgency, like I should hurry to feel and explore it all before life catches up and emotion can barely be acknowledged let alone explored. I feel a sense of urgency to get on with things. These changes that are coming are exciting!

A shout out to Sugarland, Adam Mertz, John Mayer, The Indigo Girls (God I want to see them in concert SO BAD), Matt Nathanson, whoever invented live accoustic versions of amazing songs, The Beastie Boys, Broadway, Adam Lambert, Daughtry...

This is, quite possible, the funniest thing I've ever seen.

2009-06-17T21:13:00.001-05:00

http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/artist/Sean+Paul/track/Temperature?video_id=nfXke_z6t3I

Whoops!

2009-06-17T20:42:00.001-05:00

Did I say Zella was being featured "tomorrow". You all (by that I mean all 4 people who read my blog) should know better by now. So, Zella Zella Zella. What can I say? Girlie is a handfull. She's a diva in the truest sense of the word. It's also very apparent that she is a 4yo in the middle. She's not a baby, oh no. However, she's not a big girl either. Whats a girl in that situation to do? Why, you run the show, that's what. Nobody toots or burps without Zella's approval. Disapproval is immediately apparent and shrieking is her favorite form of getting attention.

But underneath this child who thinks the world is hers, is a sweet girl, kind and loving, helpful and full of passion. Aside from the screeching (which she'll presumable grow out of), these are important qualities in strong, independent women.

Oak.

2009-06-14T09:33:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've featured each of my lovely children. I'll start with Oak. Oak just drank half of my coffee. He also snatched my cookie. For those doing the math in their head that's about a bazillion times too much sugar for this early in the day, and a hefty dose of caffeine. I think maybe Grandma wants him for the day. Yeah, that's a good plan. Give him to grandma. Oh, wait. Grandma will give him more cookies and ice cream. Ok, it's settled. He stays.

Last night we were on the front porch (around midnight) and Oak says "Where Moo (moon)?" and starts pointing at the sky. Now, this is a question he's been able to ask for a few months already, some of his first words actually. Tonight was more exciting when the question was followed by several statements like "see stars" and "oh airplane" and "what are we doing". He didn't stop when we came inside. Can you say language explosion? In addition to adorable language-ness, he's also quite adept at using a variety of amusing expressions to drive home his babbling point. The kid is a riot. I'm glad he's here.

He was falling asleep in his carseat downstairs with us for a long time. When he's good and asleep we unbuckle him and take him to his bed. For some reason this has not been happening (busy couple of weeks has us all off our routines) so he's in bed with us. Tonight this ends. This morning when I woke to dog whining at 6:30 (good thing this isn't a dog post or I'd have to censor) I found Oak splayed out between dh and I, upside down and feet and elbows digging into every uncomfortable spot they could find on dh and I. I didn't dare move him for fear of him waking up, but I managed to sneak away. That rendered going back to bed impossible because my space was swallowed by flailing 25lb 2yo so I was up for the day.

So, that's my baby boy and his recent adventures with language and personal space. Tomorrow: Zella

In which life slowly returns to a more normal version of chaos.

2009-06-13T21:33:00.001-05:00

So school is over until August. I have no solid obligations (barring the occasional doctors appointment and such) from now until school starts. Today was detox day one. the kids, as expected, were a mix of dreamy and horrid all day today. I can't, in good conscience at least, continue to enforce a 7pm bedtime. I tried 9 tonight and it was horrid. Everyone exhaustedly screaming for no discernible reason. I think maybe we'll do 8 tomorrow and try that for a week, then slowly advance to 8:30 if they seem to be able to handle it.

I need to sit and reflect on this last year, but can't bring myself to do it yet. The out-of-home-school experiment was a 50/50 toss up as far as success goes. On the bright side I have a good idea of where the kids are in terms of educational levels. This will make life easier next year. On the bad side we're still making payments (yeah, we're slackers) after some miscommunication on the part of the school and some laziness in getting clarification myself we owed more than we could really accommodate. They'll get the money eventually, slowly. I feel awful about that, but what can I do?

On tap for "sometime this summer" is a trip to visit my dad. He's built a large treehouse in his back yard for the kids. They know about it and can't wait to go play in it. Dad is working on his roof at the moment so we'll wait until he's not involved in that to go visit. I think he has plans in early July so we're probably looking at mid-late July. Am I crazy? Mid to late July in Ohio? Egad. I guess it's probably not a whole lot worse than here though.

Other adventures on tap include the new Magic House, the wading pool and farmers market (a favorite of mine), perhaps another camping trip (shorter this time, just the family I think), water fun in the back yard (should say mud fun), movie nights, slumber parties, cleaning and organizing and decluttering, exploring a new career path for dh (not ready to announce just yet, stay tuned), time with family and friends, and yard work. Yee-haw.

So one kind of chaos comes to an end, while another slowly begins to take over. As long as I don't have to be up at 6:45, I'm good.

2 more days.

2009-06-10T16:27:00.000-05:00

2 more days of chaos until a different kind of chaos reigns :). Stay tuned.

Do you ever wonder?

2009-05-11T18:07:00.001-05:00

Do you ever wonder where this path will take you? 5 years from now? 10? This is something I marvel at in a "past tense" kind of way. 5 years ago, what was I doing? Where did I expect to be? I'm not really sure there's a right/wrong/accurate answer for those kinds of musings, but it does help keep you grounded. For example, when money is tight I often think back to see that it's been tight before. It will be again. I never imagined surviving countless nights of 4 hours of sleep. I never imagined I'd feel blessed by those nights, rather than cursed. I never considered the possibility of doing schoolwork at 1am on the internet. I never imagined being married to a man, much less married for 10 years. 10 years ago I thought I knew myself and the world around me enough to get by. Turns out I didn't know squat about anything. Life had barely begun for me, a baby at 24 years old. Now here I am, a baby at nearly 34. This is the perspective I choose to take in my life. Some people are unable to stand the uncertainty, unable to leave details up to chance and fate. I wonder if they know what they are missing. There is something to be said for organization and planning. There's much to be said for spontaneity and freedom too though. Be at peace with life my friends, in general. Those day to day trials and triumphs are all going somewhere, even if we don't see where.

Let's talk underarms!

2009-05-07T09:06:00.002-05:00

In the mail the other day I got this package. I opened it up and found a free stick of Dove Ultimate Visibly Smooth deodorant. I had recently been considering lazer hair removal on my underarms so this was a timely appearance of a product to try. Apparently this stuff is supposed to somehow reduce the thickness and growth of underarm hair. Being a natural product user typically, I need to do some research on exactly what and how this product works, but I am admittedly intrigued. I have excessively-super-crazy-insanely sensitive skin. Shaving is more than an annoying chore, it's downright painful. No matter how sharp or how expensive the razor I still get bumps and itchy blisters. If this product can reduce that effect I'm willing to give it a try.

In other news, DISNEY BABY. Oh yeah. I'm going. Er, WE are going. Yeah.

So much for blogging every day.

2009-05-06T09:26:00.000-05:00

Yeah, well, I'm busy.

School is winding down for the year. I have one final project due this weekend and summer courses (assuming financial aid comes through so I can actually attend) start up almost right away on May 18. I don't get much of a break, but at least summer is over with by mid June. I opted to get it over with early rather than run summer into fall. I'd rather keep up the momentum now.

Other than the ususal, nothing much is happening that is blog worthy.

I'm looking forward to the kids being out of school so I can sleep in once in awhile. I'm looking forward to the kids being able to sleep in.

It'll be nice not being on someone else's schedule for awhile.

Family is so frustrating.

2009-04-14T16:34:00.002-05:00

What cruel twist of fate is it that allows people to have knowledge, but then doesn't allow the people around to be receptive to it. Furthermore, what twist of fate is it that drives them to ask for advice, only to disregard it and be angry at the advice that was given, even though it was never taken seriously or tried?

Is it so much to ask that every once in awhile someone acknowledge that I might ACTUALLY know what I'm talking about?

I'm sick of being sought out, only to be left in the dust when it might actually matter. Maybe it's me?

Ok, so no more organizational progress, but...

2009-03-30T16:17:00.002-05:00

BUT, the work we did upstairs has not been UN-done, so I guess we'll thank the heavens for small victories huh? Hopefully my incredibly pregnant SIL can come over tomorrow and help me organize toys. I anticipate more leaving during that process. I'm sure there are things in there we don't want or need.

School is plugging along. Life is plugging along.

No pictures.

2009-03-28T08:42:00.003-05:00

I considered before and after pictures of the work Neall and I did yesterday, but decided to focus on actually doing what needed to be done instead. The upstairs living areas look amazing. My bedroom closet still contains tools and paint but a good portion of that paint is FOR the upstairs so I let it stay. It didn't make sense to just move it around for the sake of moving it. I may move it to a prominent location in the hopes that painting folk will get the hint and USE it :p. Winnie's room is set up and organized as is the overall design of Zella and Finn's room. Oak's bed is sort of incorporated into Winnie's room which she is THRILLED about. She loves being big, so I am taking fully disclosed advantage of her willingness to help. There are a few things on my "need" list. For one thing, a platform for our bed. It does not need to be fancy, but with a half story for a bedroom we need it to be relatively low. Our sleep number bed has no boxspring so we just really need a platform on legs. Sounds simple yes? Well, apparently not, lol. The ones we've found are $$$. I foresee a trip to Ikea in our future though, and they have one there we like for under $100 (why does anyone near Ikea shop anywhere else?). I think we're good on storage bins for toys. I'll know more today as I try to organize. I'll make do with what I have though. If it doesn't fit, something goes bye-bye. This week: Downstairs. It will have to be broken up into smaller chunks. The upstairs was simple enough to do all at once, but downstairs is more versatile in the types of things cluttering. It'll be a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race scenario, but in about 2-3 weeks we might even be able to have company, and that's if we just work one of Neall's off days. Motivation is strong right now though so that's a long-term timeline. We're both hoping for a quicker turnaround.

We had to replace the brakes on the van yesterday to the tune of $500. Ouch. It's our only vehicle, truly an investment for us. We take good care of it and it needs what it needs. $500 was at least double what we were expecting. Apparently the front brakes were so far gone that the back brakes were doing all of the braking. Furthermore, the back brakes were ORIGINAL. It's an '02 with 130k miles on it. ORIGINAL??? WHAT??? Yikes. So those were in desparate need of being done. I blame the front brake fiasco on Meineke. When we got brakes done there last time (a year or so ago) they never stopped squeaking. I had it in several times to them to find out if that could be remedied and they just kept saying (sorry, that's just how they are). SO, I had no idea that the brakes were bad until they were actually grinding. Squeaking is supposed to be the "yoo-hoo, time to check the breaks" indicator your car gives you. When they do it constantly, how do you know? Meineke didn't have an answer for that, and they can kiss my business goodbye from now on. I don't appreciate their customer service and their greasy-shirted, snaggle toothed, generic beer drinking "manager" can just get fatter behind his greasy desk. He won't do it with my money. I don't appreciate the lives of my family being put at risk because a company is using cheap parts to make an extra buck. I'll take it to Ron, who knows my first name when he sees me but calls me Mrs. West anyway out of respect, even though he may cost a tad more. In the long run, he's cheaper. WAY cheaper. Even when we took it to Meineke 2 days ago they did not say "you have no brakes in front and are down to nothing in back". They let my husband drive away in a van with 4 child safety seats to go pick up his family. Yeah, not happy.

Anyway, Denver had a storm this last week that dumped a foot of snow in a classic spring blizzard. I was feeling homesick :). Now, however, that storm is coming here! And, for about 24 hours, we might actually have some great snowfall on the ground too! It was unexpected to be looking forward to a huge storm at the end of March in Saint Louis, but it's dropping temps outside right now and I have officially gotten my hopes up. 40 and raining can quickly become 30 and snow :D. Admittedly, my excitement has something to do with the fact that I snagged snow bibs in every size that my children are or might possibly be next year for $3 each, just last week. The justification to my husband has turned to "haha, see, I knew we'd need them, I'm psychic". Love that, lol.

A reminder to myself. Snipped from the novel-length book post below :p.

2009-03-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

I'm determined to be content in this home, in this neighborhood, for as long as we are here. We're not going anywhere so we'll make HERE work. I've also realized that I cannot use "no money, no time" as an excuse. I must MUST do it without either of those things if I have to. Apparently I have to. Organization and cleanliness has been done for a century without the benefits of smelly-good cleaning supplies and shiny plastic organizing bins. If I don't already have it, and can't afford it, I'll make do with what I have. We can decorate boxes, use bowls and toy bins and baskets and find new uses for old. I'm kicking myself for tossing the tupperware ;). DUH GWEN, you don't have to use it for FOOD. Child art work can go into unused frames and hung proudly. Tables can be covered with cloth to change their appearance. Clutter can be removed to get to the real potential. Decors can be fashioned after whatever nick-nacks we have floating in the basement from our lives pre-children. I'm betting those things mean more to us than any new stuff we lust after.

Marvelling.

2009-03-25T06:45:00.002-05:00

So I had this dream last night. We'll get to that in a minute. The moral of this post (yeah, right at the beginning, in case you don't feel like continuing to read, lol) is regarding the permanent mark internet activity leaves on your life.

Times have changed friends. As a society most of us are very driven by the here and now. We like instant gratification. Some of that is hard wired. Some of that is determined by knowledgeable marketing and outside influence. But either way, we have learned, as Americans (humans? I don't know what it's like in the African rainforest or the canals of destitute Mexico so I hesitate to apply this to all humans) that now is better. We don't often have to wait for things. When we want them, we get them. Even saving for a big screen tv for 2 years is pretty "instant" when you look at the big picture. It's part of the reason our economy is the way it is. Credit and bad investments that might turn really really good are just too good to pass up for the instant thrill we get from them.

So, we live in this society that says now is good, later is bad. And we (by we I mean me and whomever else feels it applies, ymmv) carry on as if now is all that is important.

I had a dream that I went on Wife Swap or one of those kind of shows. Well, rather, I was chosen for one. So in what seemed like hours and still only seconds (you know how dreams can do that?) I had gone through the good and bad of being on the show. It would be kind of fun. I would probably learn a lot about myself. I'd get my feelings hurt, I'm sure, but I'd survive. My family, incidentally, did not have any part of my dream so who knows what their considerations were. Anyway, an epiphany came to me in my dream. I chose not to go on the show because once I did I would forever be google-able. I am working my arse off in school, trying to find a niche for myself in a profession that has a lot that I'm NOT interested in doing, and only a few jobs that I am. If I did something stupid like go on Wife Swap, my public life would be out of my control! The producers could spin my "life" however they wanted to. I would forever be represented, via the internet, however a group of people whom I've never met before wanted to portray me. I decided not to do the show.

When I woke up I realized that my entire internet life was potentially a make it or break it experience for me. Every word I say, every word put into my mouth (wow, that happens a TON, lol) and every image of myself I put out there in my words and in the reflection of other's words, is around to haunt me forever. It may crop back up at any time. History has already proven this, to a minor extent, when someone brings up something long ago worked out and forgotten.

So a couple of weeks ago I decided my time at a popular internet message board was done. I quietly slipped away to pursue more personal relationships when it became apparent to me that I had quite enough relationships in real life to concern myself with. My dream last night nudged me even further in that direction. When I'm job hunting I want a google search of my name to turn up a list of CASA volunteers with my name included. I want it to be a local paper article where I did something nice for someone who needed it. If it has to be Facebook I'd like it to be apparent that I love children (mine and others). I want it to be obvious that my personal life is similar to and supportive of how my professional life would be. In essence, I believe I've finally figured out the grown-up thing. As much as I'd like to change the world by screaming loudly from the rooftops that poor people aren't stupid, I doubt that fanaticism would be well received by a person in a position to change the lives of young children. At least not in the capacity I want to be in. Somewhere along the last couple of years (perhaps poverty and hardship have hardened/altered me?) I've changed from quiet, simple, fun loving Gwen to "FUCK YOU, I'M NOT AN IDIOT". While I still feel I have a right to say these things, I no longer believe raging about them is always the right way to get my point across. In a way, I feel that a balance is to be struck here. Fight when it means the most, try other methods when available. It seems so simple written down.

So I guess this is also a goodbye type post. I'm not really going anywhere, but I am changing my online habits. I'll still be here blogging. I may go invitation only here because I do think I have a right to vent frustration and anger sometimes, as well as share views that might not be in keeping with my "professional" expectations. I don't think employers and professional bodies have a right to every trace of thought that goes through my head though, so I'll hide some from them ;). I'm looking into the Facebook issue. I don't think I post anything THAT controversial on there, but I occasionally use words I wouldn't normally. I think it's probably ok, but will watch myself there too. I'm quite sure my internet time will naturally dwindle as I engage more and more in real life adventures. I have a general timeline/plan I want to pursue.

My life cannot be settled until my home is. I get that. Why I didn't get that a week ago or a year ago I don't know. Better late than never. So, today I'm hatching a prednisone induced plan to resolve this. I'm determined to be content in this home, in this neighborhood, for as long as we are here. We're not going anywhere so we'll make HERE work. I've also realized that I cannot use "no money, no time" as an excuse. I must MUST do it without either of those things if I have to. Apparently I have to. Organization and cleanliness has been done for a century without the benefits of smelly-good cleaning supplies and shiny plastic organizing bins. If I don't already have it, and can't afford it, I'll make do with what I have. We can decorate boxes, use bowls and toy bins and baskets and find new uses for old. I'm kicking myself for tossing the tupperware ;). DUH GWEN, you don't have to use it for FOOD. Child art work can go into unused frames and hung proudly. Tables can be covered with cloth to change their appearance. Clutter can be removed to get to the real potential. Decors can be fashioned after whatever nick-nacks we have floating in the basement from our lives pre-children. I'm betting those things mean more to us than any new stuff we lust after.

And so, finally, a call for help. If you can spare the time, or the energy, I need help. I KNOW that I work better with company. I also work better without children. If you have the time and the energy to help me, I will take it in whatever capacity you want to offer. If you can take some children from me for a few hours, or bring yours over so we can kick them upstairs and work downstairs, I am eternally greatful. I'm going to try to child-care swap, which will be easier once school is out. I'll take yours if you take mine ;). If you can stir dinner and keep kids from running in the street while I work in the basement, I'll take it. I can't do this alone. Plus, if people are aware of my intentions and desire, I'm accountable. No slacking. You can be my drill sargeant ;). I'm not afraid to reduce the clutter (I'd like to take a backhoe through my house and start over) I just don't know HOW. Guide me. Motivate me. Walk beside me on this journey and I'll pay it forward and back to you in whatever capacity I can.

You have no idea.

2009-03-16T08:01:00.000-05:00

In the past we've dropped the kids off with sitters and friends and gone out. Usually this is a planned affair that requires hairspray and clean socks (among other things). Last night was the exception. At the last minute a deal was hatched. Dawnand Jason would watch my children, possibly even overnight if it seemed amenable to all) and I would watch hers later this week.

Neall and I went to an un-rushed dinner of Korma at our favorite Indian Food place (India's Kitchen, if anyone wants to check it out). We met there after Neall got off of work. After dinner we quickly dropped off the car to my IL's and came home. Here's where it gets exciting. Next we watched 2 episodes of House. Well, Neall watched 2. I watched 1 and about half of the next one before falling asleep snuggly on the couch. Then I went to bed. And WOWIEZOWIE does it feel good to sleep all night. I didn't flip. I didn't flop. I didn't nurse 1700 times. I didn't get drinks or take anyone potty. I didn't soothe fears after a nightmare. (I hope Dawn didn't do a lot of this either, lol). I actually slept.

You have no idea how exciting and fantastic this night was. Awesome.

Nothing more annoying.

2009-03-08T09:03:00.002-05:00

Ok, well I can think of lots of annoying things, but one of them is when rain is predicted (and I believe them so I don't hang the laundry and decide I'll just have to take 4 kids to the laundromat tomorrow and oh well) and then never comes. I guess I can be happy that the kids still get to go out the door this morning, thereby allowing Oak, who is being forcibly night weaned, a chance to sleep a bit longer. Here's to hoping that daylight saving time doesn't screw with us for as long as it did in the fall when we actually gained an hour. Should be good, gaining an hour, right? Well, it isn't. Let's hope losing an hour goes better.

Tasks for this week:

1. keep the kids from eating all of the snack and lunch foods for things other than snack and lunch

2. call the dentist, make appointment, keep it come hell or high water

3. Finn's dentist appointment

4. sell Soiree tickets

5. clean and maintain cleanliness of at least one stinking room, just to feel better about yourself

6. call for bulk item pick-up

Tasks for today:

1. buy dog food

2. dry laundry

3. try not to get swept up by tornado

4. drool over tent you're buying and dream about camping

A general post.

2009-03-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

So I have nothing to say really. Things in the Chaos household are swimming along in a relatively normal manner. Well, if you can call this household normal. Finn's birthday is today. He got a Wii Nerf gun from all of us and our fantabulous neighbors got him a ball and bat, and a couple of other kinds of balls. Totally a 7yo boy birthday gift. They rock! I'm guessing he has money and/or gift cards coming from everyone else, or maybe just a phone call, which is awesome :o).

The decision to bring the kids back home next year still feels solidly good. I have brief moments of "aw man" but for the most part, I feel really excited and ready for yet another new chapter in our lives together as a family.

The windows are wide open and Oak is napping. We have rain moving in, too close for me to hang out the laundry, but with the washer installed I am still doing laundry. I'll make Neall load it into the van when he gets home tonight so I can take it up to the laundromat.

Neall is coming home early this evening so he and his brother and father can work on installing my dryer. I wish they'd have done the vent drilling last night since it'll be raining for them tonight, but maybe they'll do other stuff instead.

I'm still on frequent nebulizer treatments and an inhaled steroid. I know this sounds crazy but inhaled steroids have worse side effects for me than oral meds do. I was hesitant when Doc H prescribed it to me, but it had been so long since I've taken it that I couldn't remember WHY I was hesitant. The oral stuff isn't fun, but it's kitten-like compared to the inhaled steroid. I'm debating whether to call the emergency number and talk to Doc H about it now, or whether I should just stop taking it and call the office on Monday. I think the Monday plan is more solid.

Finn has his second dental appointment on Wednesday. A planned crown turned into an extraction last time. Finn was totally back to normal and pain free by that evening so I'm not worried about a repeat of the extraction on the other side, but a crown works for me too. Crowns are much more expensive so I'm sort of hoping for an extraction, but I really just want Finn to be tooth-pain free.

Speaking of dentist, I have yet to get in to see one myself. I've been trying for 3 months. Something just keeps getting in the way. The first appt was canceled due to heavy snow. The second one I canceled due to Bronchitis (hard to do dental work with frequent coughing fits). Now I'm nervous to make another appt because I'm still not breathing like a normal adult should. I'm not even breathing normal for ME, lol. So I put it off and suffer. I'm vowing right here and now to call on Monday.

The Soulard Soiree is fast approaching. Anyone wanting to attend is invited to purchase tickets from me :oP. Honestly, the ticket price is the best bargain in Saint Louis. It's 3.5 hours of free open bar, fantastic food and elegant conversation. It takes place at McGurks in Soulard on their "top 10" patio. The Soulard School knows how to party, and this one is sure to be in keeping with their previous standards. In addition to all of that there will be a silent auction for anything/everything under the sun. From spa gift certificates to yoga classes to baseball tickets to baskets of coffee, there is something for everyone. I'm actually fairly excited to attend. I'm on the hook to sell 4 tickets. Since Neall and I will attend, I only need to sell 2. Anyone interested should contact me as soon as possible. Tickets are $40 each ($80 for the pair) and I believe (I am awaiting confirmation) that any donation is tax deductible. Sponsorships are also available if you have $500 or more you wish to donate :oP. Anyone want to go out on April 18th?

So I've been thinking (I know, I know)

2009-03-03T22:25:00.000-06:00

Seemingly little things have been bothering me lately. Little comments, little actions, little things that just should bug me. And I had a little mini epiphany about why, just now, so I'm blogging before going to bed.

In this economy, an economy where we just may see the end of capitalism as we know it, and economy that has people running in a dozen directions trying to make ends meet, an economy that has us requiring a lot for a little, we need to circle our wagons.

Communities need to come together. By communities I don't mean just the neighborhood you live in. I mean any group of people you happen to belong to. If a school does a food drive, perhaps they should find a way to get those items to families whose children attend that school first, as opposed to donating in general to a pantry. If a member of your reading group is unemployed, why not offer to bring hand me down clothes to fit her kids instead of dropping them off to Goodwill. If a child has used up all of their account money at school and the parents still can't/won't pay, why not send home an application for a free lunch (even though you may have done that already), just in case the family needs it.

Most importantly, why not give people the benefit of the doubt. People are stressed, hungry, tired, cranky, stinky, sick, bored, overworked, and underpaid. Kindness goes even further when there's a shortage of it. Unfortunately the same doesn't go for money.

Oh no! Not another top 10! Oh yes!

2009-03-03T10:45:00.002-06:00

Top 10 favorite YouTube videos! In no particular order...

1. number 1

2. number 2

3. number 3

4. number 4

5. number 5

6. number 6

7. number 7

8. number 8

9. number 9

10. number 10

In an effort to be clever...

2009-03-01T08:58:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine says she's like *this* with HTML. In an effort to be clever I thought I'd post all of the things that HTML might mean to me (because it certainly has nothing to do with computers). I came up with Help Them Make Lunch, Happy To Make Love, Hope That Means Later, and that was it. Not up to my clever standards. So I decided to do a google search and steal some other people's clever. But as Google tends to do, a page popped up that caught my interest. Talk about entertaining. GOOD GRIEF . Do you see all of the acronyms? I'm tempted to write an entire blog post using only acronyms. I think it could be done, but right now HWS-PEST. Not really because YWSYLS and my dh is at work. This entire post is like this acronym TDMATBICPLY. My blog is kinda like that. FOAFOAG made me wonder when you'd actually use that in a conversation. And CYA is all of 2 letters shorter than the actual phrase. Why bother? You should probably CYA and just type the first CYA out, lest there be confusion. And wth is a bnf? Got me.

Enjoy.

maddening (an ee cummings-esque little ditty)

2009-02-25T23:11:00.002-06:00

Do you think ee cummings considered any of his works a ditty? Somehow I doubt it. So anyway, I call this "and" and it is a snapshot of a typical 2 hour glimpse into my day. Just 2 hours.

and
the myriad of events and phone calls and poopy diapers and spilt water and refusal to eat and aching teeth and won't go to bed and keep getting up and don't have teddy and but there's not enough light and you should have bought a light bulb and I'm thirsty and but I didn't eat dinner and I'm not tired and wasn't I supposed to do my homework and don't we have Friday off and wait tomorrow is share day and GO TO BED and did I practice violin enough and I was thinking (which never ends quickly) and I wonder what Lyndsays party will be like and do I have any clean clothes for tomorrow and wait I need new pajamas and oh I have money for my own pajamas and what do you mean it's not enough and do you know where my tooth is and is the tooth fairy coming tonight and can I take my tooth to show and tell and can you clean the entire house and can you make a phone call for me and I guess I can do it myself and how is that going to work and why didn’t he just get it when he said he was going to and why do I have to worry about this and I wonder if the server is back up and when am I going to write that paper and oh I forgot about the baby shower and what should I get and darn it’s too late to order and GO TO BED and you can do your homework in the morning and I don’t know what you did with that book and what does it matter right this second and be quiet or you are going to wake the baby and please don’t make me come back up there and no you can’t sleep in my bed because I have to sleep in it later and you’re too heavy to carry and I can’t believe I’m arguing about this an hour and a half past bedtime and GO TO BED and see you’ve woken the baby and who is calling me now and no I can’t do any more tonight and good thing I taped Idol or I’d be really mad and I wonder if this is what every mother goes through at night…

At this point the next 2 hour window into my life began. I think you get the picture.

10 things I will miss about Becka when she goes to Ecuador.

2009-02-22T18:29:00.001-06:00

In no certain order:

1. Who will burn their toes on campouts? That's Becka's role.
2. Stone Soup. We can still do stone soup, but why?
3. A myriad of camp songs I simply can't remember the words to without Becka singing along. I think we need camp recordings. Fried Ham comes to mind.
4. Becka's family.
5. The crookedly sewn but bursting with love outfits that were supposed to be handed down to ME! :p
6. Sarcasm. Sure, there's still sarcasm in the world, but Becka's was the highlight of some of my days.
7. Impromptu crazy goals like canning 100 cans of tomatos or sewing an entire summer wardrobe for a child. I guarantee we'll accomplish nothing like that while you're gone Becka.
8. The drop-of-a-hat ready-made support of a friend, no matter how chaotic life is or how serious (or minor) the tragedy.
9. Know-it-all opinions on things even Becka admits to knowing nothing about. Somehow, it still comes out as good advice.
10. Drama and stories and all things theatrical. Becka is definitely the creative one of our bunch, and gatherings just won't be the same.

So after a rather crumby weekend, I've decided.

2009-02-21T13:37:00.002-06:00

The kids are coming home for school next year. I'm just not cut out for this group schooling thing. The benefits the kids are getting could be achieved with a little effort on my part. The parts I don't like would be virtually eliminated immediately by keeping them home. Call me overprotective or drama-mama or whatever you want. I just can't do it. The primary cause for this last-minute change of heart is the money. It will cost us 5k out of pocket next year. That does not include the nearly 2k worth of "working" during lunch periods, summer camp, etc. In addition to all of that there are the numerous volunteer expectations that only a small handful seem to take seriously, leaving someone to pick up the slack. I'm one of those people who feels obligated to pitch in more than usual because I'm pitching in a relatively small amount of money. Then I start to feel used and underappreciated. And around we go.

So, for 8k Winnie and Finn can go to the Soulard School full time, Zella can go 2 mornings a week. In addition to the 8k (time and cash out of pocket) we also would need another car because our carpooling options go away next year. We also have clothes, shoes, coats, etc expenses that aren't necessary with them being at home. This isn't a lot, but it adds up. Snacks and lunches are an additional expense that I didn't realize would add up so quickly, but it really does.

Or, for 8k we can:

1. finish the kids rooms (paint and organization)
2. create a "school area" (organization)
3. put a computer together for the kids (for school work)
4. pay for private violin lessons and rental (or whatever instrument)
5. pay for online curriculum (a monthly fee)
6. have $ for outings and enrichment to curriculum
7. spend a week in Disney together as a family

This is just the beginning. The above list comes to about 4k (if that), which is about as much as we can reasonably come up with. I want to be able to say "we just have to sacrifice, it's worth it", but there isn't any more sacrifice to make. And I'm not sure it IS worth it. At some point I have to consider overall value. I've done all I can do to make the Soulard School a good option for our kids. We reached the peak though, and have gone over the other side. With the economy the way it is, it's just not the better option. I want to say "the soulard school is the best option". I just can't, because it is only the best option in one respect. No doubt the kids are thriving there. But that's not my only consideration. They can thrive at home too, and we can ALL thrive with them home, instead of just a few of us.

So on that note, BIG DEEP SIGH. It's bittersweet, but the decision feels less heavy than deciding to send them. I still have to run this all by Neall, make sure we're on the same page and all, but I suspect that we are.

10 things I don't love.

2009-02-18T21:28:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what number list I'm on. I like lists though, so they'll continue until I'm bored.

1. Unrealistic expectations. On myself. On anyone.

2. People with a chip on their shoulder. Actually, it's the chip I don't like, not the person. I probably could like the person, if I don't already.

3. Fighting the tendency to carry my own chip, because I deserve it.

4. Miscommunication. It's not that hard, in this day, to keep lines of communication open.

5. Family who gets annoyed with me for not keeping in better touch. Dudes, takes 2 to tango. I have 4 kids, school, a husband who works a weird schedule, and 2 kids in school. You actually get a lunch break. Use it, or don't whine at me.

6. Old people who think I'm too young for xyz.

7. Young people who think I'm too old for xyz.

8. Excuses from others that diminish my own hard work.

9. Not having cool luggage.

10. Germs, and bugs, and iggly wigglies, and all things that make my life as a healthy mother of healthy kids less healthy.

Ten things. This one's a good one.

2009-02-17T16:58:00.000-06:00

Ten things I love.

1. Sharpie markers. Particularly fine-tipped ones. Any will do though.

2. My husband. We have our days, but he's my rock, and I don't care how the feminists feel about that ;).

3. My husband with big bushy sideburns and a new haircut. Add a kilt and I wouldn't be able to keep my paws off of him.

4. Invitations to parties. I'm a social butterfly, what can I say. Even if I can't go, I still love to be invited.

5. Good, dark chocolate.

6. One small island of organization in a sea of chaos. As long as I can hold on to that island, I won't drown.

7. Clean laundry. I particularly love clean laundry on a sunny clothesline, but clean laundry period will have to do for this rainy day.

8. Indoor plumbing.

9. Hot coffee with cream. I don't often buy cream (1/2 and 1/2 is as close as I get) but I wish I could.

10. Sleeping babies. Ahhhhhh. Nothing better than a sleeping baby.

The 10-trillion item list.

2009-02-14T08:24:00.001-06:00

I was sitting here planning to vent about my life. I'm just overwhelmed and cannot even fathom how I am siting here upright at this moment. I was wondering how in the world I can get through to this family that I cannot continue like this. THIS cannot continue. It was all triggered by Winnie asking me for a cup of water, as if she can't do this herself. Not only did she ask for a cup of water, but she began by screaming across the house. Now, granted, she is not feeling well. But neither am I. In fact, I'm much worse than she is. So I got to thinking about the hundred things I do that someone else could or should be doing. Things that I accepted as part of my job description as a stay at home mama. But now I wonder if I didn't get myself into this mess. So here's a rundown, item by item, of what a mom does every stinking day. Many of these are done multiple, even hundreds of times. No wonder I'm tired. No wonder I'm sick. Maybe, just maybe, a list a mile and a half long will open an eyeball to my plight and bring in some help.

But alas, the baby, who is near my sleeping husband, is awake. My job now? To go get him, because my husband needs his beauty sleep, and I didn't really want to drink this cup of coffee hot anyway.

10 things I am waiting on in the mail.

2009-02-14T07:57:00.000-06:00

1. A Mrs Meyers kit, Rhubarb scent. Went on a wild limb here, hoping it doesn't stink.

2. Lemon Verbena ironing spray.

3. Sex! the card game. (like you wanted to know that)

4. A Comfy Cone to keep the dog from eating and scratching himself to death.

5. My Madden Girl Trever boots. These should be here soon.

6. A pack of coupons from my sister in law.

Ok, that's only 7. I think I'll go find 3 more :p.

Caught UP!

2009-02-13T10:06:00.000-06:00

Hazaa!

10 adjectives starting with the letter H. For grins I'm making them ALL up. Becka thinks she's so cool she can make one up. I'm cooler.

1. Hello-y

2. Hello-ISH

3. Happily-dappily.

4. Hoo-ha-y.

5. Historily.

6. Hampypampy.

7. Homebodily.

8. Happenstansical.

9. Hoorayinizingly.

10. Hangerbangery.

2 behind.

2009-02-13T10:03:00.001-06:00

10 random things from 10 random categories in 10 random days.

Todays list: 10 items I bought at the store yesterday.

1. Bananas (this u-oh is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

2. Another bunch of bananas.

3. Ice cream (bribery for taking medicine)

4. Sprinkles (see above)

5. avocados

6. stuff for beef stew. This has to be at least 5 items, so this list is done.

I'm 3 behind. Bad Blogger, BAD.

2009-02-13T09:55:00.000-06:00

In honor of being behind, here is list 2 of 10 random things from 10 random categories in 10 random days. (Hey, Becka didn't say they had to be CONSECUTIVE days, now did she?)

Ten Things I Am Behind On

1. Laundry. Hopelessly, pathetically, disgustingly behind.

2. Dishes. I think the Prednisone is telling me to toss the things that haven't been washed in weeks. Apparently we don't need them.

3. Schoolwork. I'm working on this one. It's a priority.

4. Paying bills. I have the money. That's the problem, I don't want it to leave quite yet.

5. Showering. Something about 4 variably sick kids and now a sick husband makes this very sick mama not able to catch a shower. I need to though, I'll feel better.

6. This blogging list.

7. Shopping. Lots we need, a little we don't. Online shopping rocks, if I can sit at the computer long enough.

8. Cooking real meals. See above excuses.

9. WiiFit. See above excuses.

10. Formulating new excuses for being behind. Don't worry, with this much Prednisone, this will all be done by tonight.

Tag, I'm it.

2009-02-10T08:41:00.002-06:00

10 random categories of 10 random things in 10 days.

Todays category: 10 things to have on hand when you and everyone else in your home are sick.

1. Groceries. I've got nutting, and now I don't have any way to change that.

2. Paper Towels

3. A dryer to dry all of the wet laundry that results from multiple awakenings in the night.

4. A nanny. I don't have one of these. I could sure use one, or a home health nurse.

5. Plenty of sheets, blankets and shirts.

6. Time for a nap. This is another one I don't have. I'm thinking an ER visit is in my near future. Fortunately that probably means a day off for dh, who was up with a coughing Zella and Winnie.

7. A mother who is not sick herself.

8. An iPhone to have something handheld to do all night.

9. Coffee for the next morning.

10. Dog food, so you don't have to run out for it too.

SO done with family.

2009-02-06T21:00:00.001-06:00

Just done, done, done. I'm sick of being the one that gets stepped on when I'm trying to be nice. You want my opinion? Tough. I won't give it any more. You want to know what I know? Sorry, Google it yourself, you won't believe me anyway. I'll butt out of issues like whether people are really sick and need help. Just don't come crying to me if you don't like the outcome.

I hate that Oobleh feeling.

2009-02-04T15:13:00.000-06:00

I have this anxious, icky, bleh, something is very wrong and I don't like it feeling. And, well, I don't like it. I hate it when things come crashing in around me when I'm actually feeling pretty good. I hate it when people assume things about me that are totally incorrect, just because I react or behave differently than they think I should in certain circumstances. I hate that I let things get to me when it's possible that nothing had anything to do with me at all. Unlikely, but possible. And I hate it when people around me are going through things that I can't fix for them. I doubly hate it when I know how to fix it, but I also know that it has to come from them. I hate letting myself get worked up. I hate being faced with a situation that tests my boundaries. I'm normally a full-steam-ahead kind of gal. I don't like my self-imposed, normally flexible boundaries actually stopping me from doing something I feel is right. It's not really right, it just feels like it should be, and the rude awakening of actually slamming into that boundary, regardless of it's typical flexibility, is not pleasant. Even more pleasant is the self control it takes to not go charging at it again, just to see if the justification to allow it to let me through is there this time. It's not there. The boundary stands.

So how's that for cryptic. Unfortunately for you all, that's about all you'll get, lol. I'm not sure I could put it into words any better than I could define the feeling that comes from it. Tumultuous, but not in a "save me" kind of way, that's my emotional state today.

Furthermore, the last time I got this way was about 4 days before 9/11. I find that ominous.

WOW!

2009-01-25T20:16:00.001-06:00

It is AMAZING what a night without children can do for a couple. I hadn't anticipated the kids spending the night but my bil and his fiance insisted they'd be fine. With a promise to call me if there was crying I left them at my bil's house. The kids did not even blink, though I think it helped that Oak was asleep when I dropped them off. He's at that out-of-sight, out-of-mind age and probably didn't even realize something was amiss. Plus, his brother and sisters were all there. Anyway, so Neall and I enjoyed ourselves thoroughly at his company party. I am renewed in my sense of joy at the fact that Neall works for this company and not some corporate entity. The owner of dh's company is so in touch. This year their SEP (their bonus/401k program) payment was based on the sales for the year. This turned out to be a great motivator and they will all be receiving a nice bonus check soon. However, since the economy is in the crapper, dh was worried about next year. There is no way for this company to top it's performance, especially since things like raw materials cost and health insurance are costing the company more. Those things don't have anything to do with the employees and how hard they work. It wouldn't be fair to penalize them. So this year SEP will be based on some other motivating factor besides profits. Find that kind of setup in any corporate environment and I'll eat my shorts, man. In fact, most companies didn't give bonuses or even have parties this year due to the economy. This company ROCKS. I feel blessed and relieved that Neall is in a stable industry and with a company that doesn't have to answer to shareholders in regards to whether they made 1 million or 1 billion in profits this year. As long as there is profit, this company will stick it out. I am grateful to have that small stability in our lives. We've had enough instability. We're due at least another year of stability, I think.

So the party was awesome (boy was that a tangent). We "learned" to play craps (air quotes to demonstrate that learn is a relative term, more like listened carefully to the guy running the game, lol) and actually won 15k worth of fake money. The top 3 earners were awarded an extra vacation day. Due to the card sharks in the group I doubt we were even close to top 3, but 15 K when we started with 5 isn't too shabby. Last year we busted in 10 minutes at the roulette table. Then busted again after the organizer gave us another round of chips.

Then, when we called to check on the kids we found out they were all sleeping soundly. Our instructions were to enjoy our night. Uh. After 9 years of worrying about children every moment, what do you DO with a night off? We wanted to go to an adult shop (well, hey, we'd already been drinking, had already eaten, what else does a kidless couple do with themselves?) but the only one we knew about was closed. So, we headed home. That was fun too ;). In the morning I was wishing we could rewind and replay the night.

My BIL offered to keep the kids again for Valentines day. We will take him up on that. We'll go out the 12th, since dh is off that night anyway. It'll be less crowded. I'm considering a hotel room, champagne, strawberries. Doesn't that sound like fun?

I know this may come as a shock but...

2009-01-23T07:44:00.001-06:00

The IRS ROCKS! We got Neall's w-2's in the mail yesterday. Wahoo! I sleepily entered the info last night at about 11pm. Wahoo! I submitted online and got an email saying the transmission was successful. Wahoo! I woke this morning to find that the IRS had accepted our return and our refund will be here in less that 2 weeks! FREAKING AWESOME! The moral being, file early if you can. They were just twiddling thumbs, sitting around waiting. And, we got more than I'd expected back. AND Neall's company party is tomorrow and I have a ROCKIN outfit to wear. AND they finalized the numbers and he'll eventually get a nice bonus check.

Today, life is beyond good. I feel like I've won the lottery!

I went to the mall last night to finish rounding out my wardrobe for the party. I love Torrid. It's my new favorite clothing store. My goal is to tone down the punk aspect and tone up the funk aspect of myself, meeting somewhere in the middle. I got an adorable shirt that will go under the cincher/corset top (if, no WHEN, it arrives) and it all goes swimmingly well with my skirt and new boots. I bought this adorable blazer to go with it all in case the top doesn't come, or maybe the blazer will be cute over all of it. We'll see. No matter what though, I'm in an outfit that doesn't overly emphasize my butt (lol) and that I am comfortable in without it feeling business-y or slutty or any of the things I was trying to avoid. That, along with my new hairdo, and I'm giddy as a schoolgirl.

Speaking of hairdo, I'm going with a friend to a SALON. A REAL SALON. We're going to gossip (about celebrities, lol) and chat and just enjoy some time around each other being girly. I have never in my life done that. Isn't that odd? 33 years old and never have I gone to the salon with a girlfriend. Luckily for me she's a photog and I hope she brings her camera. I'm sure she will. Does she ever leave home without it? No, I doubt she does.

Speaking of being out of the house, today is a good day. At school they have had a particularly nasty round of stomach flu going around. We had a 3-day weekend with Monday being MLK holiday and we'd all hoped that would give us the extra time we needed to get it all over with. Apparently not. Zella started in with it a few days ago so I kept kids home expecting them to join her. Well, they're stubborn and they ENJOYED their extra days off without getting sick. Still I kept them home thinking "any time now". Well, last night Zella was sick again, and then Winnie followed a few hours later. Oak seems to have my cold and laryngitis but nothing tummy related. Finn seems fine, other than being tired (unusual for my obnoxious 6yo, lol) so I kept him home today too. At the very least he'd have tracked this mess to and THROUGH the school, potentially prolonging or starting it over altogether. Which leads me to why today is a good day. *I* get to leave the house for several hours to get my hair done. Flippin ROCK ON! Neall has to endure the day at home. I hope it's not too much of a PITA for him because if it is I'll never get to leave again. And because I love him and I know how hard days like this are. Fortunately it's only a few hours for him.

And while I'm writing, (too bad these don't count for school assignments huh?) I'd like to take this moment to vent about the medical care my MIL is receiving. So my MIL has a "small benign tumor" on her face. Really it's right up under her ear, sort of at her jaw line. They knew from biopsy that it was benign but doc wanted it out anyway. Fine. They schedule her for surgery to remove it, plan to keep her a night as a precaution, should be good as new in a few days. Yeah, right. That would maybe be the case IF the doctor were in any way competent. Mom's face swells and it won't go down so she heads for the doctor who recommends she have it drained. She does. Then she goes back and he's concerned about MRSA. He does a culture and sends her home with Augmentin. Here's where the real fun starts. MIL has violent abdominal reaction to the Augmentin. Can't keep it (or anything down). Calls doc, who, GET THIS, says it's the best one for her and to keep taking it. WHAT?!?!?!?! This is a woman who is trying to heal from a surgery to her FACE and this dipshit thinks that will somehow be aided by the inability to keep even water down??? So then SHE DOES (if that were me it'd be a big old HAIL NO). And she is very very ill. She has kept nothing down in a week. NOTHING. And she's had to have the stupid surgical site drained 3 more times. And she still doesn't know if MRSA was even really the case or not (I suspect not, it doesn't look like it to me). I stopped by yesterday with some Acidopholous, nux vomica, vitamin water, and Chamomilla pellets and she just begged me to please make it stop. I told her that if she's not better by today she needs to get on her doctor. I have never EVER heard her that pleading. This fricking doctor is going to KILL HER. I'll check on her this afternoon and see if she's any better. If she's not I'm going to take over as much as I can. My FIL isn't going to be much help in the get-tough department and apparently nobody else has paid close enough attention, or maybe they haven't seen her. She's really bad, and this is really really bad for a lot of reasons. I'll keep you updated!

I'm in one of those thinky moods.

2009-01-21T23:31:00.001-06:00

I kind of hate when I get like this. I mean, honestly, do I have time to think? Apparently I do. I'm re-reading Twilight and am just taken back to the time of innocent new love. I can't really compare my own experiences to Edwards. He, after all, has some issues I don't have. But I can relate to that feeling of utter confusion and exasperation and joy and sorrow and tenderness and violent passion. Love is such a bizarre emotion. It's kind of like being in labor. When you are, you know it. Otherwise, it's probably a practice session.

In the 2nd book Bella is torn between 2 loves. One is safe and secure and full. The other is wild and crazy and pure emotion. What a choice. How can one possibly decide between the 2? Again, I can relate a bit because my choices are not limited to one gender. I have a belief that people should love who they love. But what do you do when you love 2?

So this stupid young adult fiction story has shoved me forward into a realm of thought and passion I thought I'd had to leave behind when I "settled down". Wrong. I still got it (and more) and so does my relationship with my husband.

Along with all of this emotion I have reconnected with a handful of people who were really important to me in my younger days. Facebook rocks! Like my Ipod, I should have investigated a long time ago. But I'm there now and I'm glad. It is still awe-inspiring to me to be able to combine those 2 worlds. Past and present are just pooling together and creating one interesting looking future. I'm a social creature and Facebook and world-blending are my element man. I love it.

I know lots of people are terribly worried for our future, but I really am hopeful that President Obama can do what he needs to do. I was watching some PBS political show and they were talking about how the majority of people THINK they know how bad the economy is, but in reality we are teetering on disaster. Not many people are ready. Are you? I'm not, but I'm working on it. I have a laundry list of things to do to meet that goal. Tops on the list is buying a new tent. A friend of ours has a fantastic one that withstood a scary rain/hail/thunder storm and kept their stuff dry so that's the winner I think. We have a tent that is in ok condition but it was a cheapy and I didn't like it after camping with it a few times. We're also creating emergency kits for possible emergency scenarios. Namely severe storms, a kit for the car and one for the house. I hope to have a fully stocked and organized pantry with enough to survive on for several weeks should we need to do so. Quite frankly, we've had issues before where money has been tight and other things are a priority. A stocked pantry in good times can help us be prepared for crises of all sorts later.

Finally, I'd like to propose a toast, to good friends, old and new. I am raising my Vitamin Water to all of you.

Hey all, how's it hangin?

2009-01-18T18:56:00.003-06:00

Haha, just a little 90's humor for you. I had a surge of rekindled friendships with high school friends this last few weeks (thanks to face book). I guess the memories are affecting me more than I thought, lol.

It's fun seeing all of these old faces. It's also a bit surreal seeing the blending of all these worlds. Past lives and present lives swirl and interact. It's a bit mind boggling at times.

I will come out of the closet right now and admit that I currently have an unhealthy obsession with the story of Twilight. Bella has captured my imagination. Edward has made my heart flutter with the absurd vulnerability of a vampire boy experiencing love for the first time. The movie was a brief synopsis at best, but still so amazingly good I find myself waiting impatiently for my student loan money so I can pre-order the special 2-disk edition. At the same time I look eagerly forward to the sequels. The first film was a low budget teen angst film. Fine, but not up to it's potential. Now that it's been successful despite it's mere 30bil price tag I am sure that the subsequent stories will be several tens-of-billions times better ;o).

Be on the lookout for pictures of dh and I in all our steampunkiness. His company party is the 24th and we've got big clothing plans. Let's all hope everything comes on time. We have some shopping to do locally when key elements arrive. I think many of you will be surprised.

Back to the Twilight obsession. I am having my hair done like Alice's. I love her hairstyle and can't wait to make it my own. Alice is so cute. I hope I'm half as cute with her hair.

And now I shall leave you with a link to some Twilight eye candy. Yummy